Cause Girls Is Players Too

I often find myself trying to make sense of life. I remember growing up as a kid hearing people tell me that the word "nigger" meant an ignorant person. I thought...no it doesn't! Maybe technically it does, but realistically it doesn't. Even then I knew that perception was reality without hearing the cool quote. But, it bothers me when I think I'm right, but I have no proof. So, I decided to try and prove or disprove my thinking.

I was pretty cool with one of my white classmates, so I decided to use him as my test dummy. Even though I wasn't at my historically black college or even a majority black school at the time, this wasn't a rare term by any stretch of the imagination. So, I used it as a term of endearment (no hard "r" -- where they do that at) and I said to my white classmate, "You know you're my nigga, right."

We weren't really young, but I feel like we weren't in corporate America and we were cool enough, so he quickly responded with the truth and nothing but the truth and said, "I'm not black."

I knew it! My sanity check was complete. If it meant what they said it meant, he would have said, I'm not ignorant/stupid/dumb/etc.

Fast forward about a million years. I find myself needing a reality check again. Times change, so anything I write or think is probably going to be complete 360 in a few years. But, nigga still doesn't mean an ignorant person. I wonder if people still tell that lie.

I love this catchy son, Players by Coi Leray. I must admit, I think this is one of the times where I'm overanalyzing, but then again I am me. I think some women actually subscribe to the idea that a nigga is an ignorant person. However, I think that some terms are masculine/feminine (even in our genderless society) in English just like in Spanish. Dog (Dawg) is the masculine version of Bitch. Only one of the terms is offensive or a curse word, which tends to be the case. I mean, when is the last time you heard of someone calling someone else a father fucker?

It's also possible that I'm looking at groups of people that think like me and there are other groups that exist. Groups that get offended by being called a dog or groups of people that think nigger is an ignorant person. I do know women tell other women, "That's my bitch!", but maybe there's a group of people where women say that to straight men lovingly, as a term of endearment and it is received the same way. Girls aren't players too, because the feminine version of a player is a whore or ho. One of them is offensive and derogatory, is that always the feminine version?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Life teaches me all the lessons that school tried to teach me and help me understand the importance of those lessons. I imagine that this is a natural occurrence for all adults as they age. Words and phrases that made no sense to me when I initially heard them become common sense. The example I like to use to explain this to others is political science. I used to always try to get people to explain to me what this major was about and none of the explanations created an "aha" moment for me. Then I read the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I thought to myself, this book could be a science. Like biology is the study of life, this might actually be a more important science, like how to win at life. How to win over people, how to win favor in a job interview, hell how to win an election. The study of winning elections like politics. A political science. Wait...where have I heard that phrase before.

Everything is so easy to Google now, but I refused to look this one up. As I tried to explain some stress that I was experiencing to my wife, I slowly came to the realization that this must be post traumatic stress disorder. I know that's most commonly used for soldiers after war, but I concluded that this must be the same thing. I likened my stress to how I imagined Theon Greyjoy felt in Game of Thrones. He had been tricked so many times that his belief that he could escape the torture and torment began to dissolve. The stress of the trauma he had experienced left him unable to respond to the opportunity to escape. How painful must such a thing be. To feel so hopeless and powerless.

It was a feeling that felt familiar and made the scenes incredibly difficult to watch. It was just as difficult to watch Kunte Kente break down and say that his name was Toby. After all, if he died refusing to change his name would the name even matter anymore?

As I continued to expand on my situation, I realized that I too am experiencing something similar. When I was in college, I experienced a traumatic experience every year. I was enrolled in the NROTC program with a nationwide scholarship. My freshman year, a guy pulled a knife on me and threatened to stab me. We were both brought up to a board (similar to a court trail) in our unit. I thought to myself, this must just be a process to get all of the facts of the case straight. During the board, I was asked if I had ever seen the illegal contriband (the huge knife) before. I said yes, he would show it off to everyone in the dorms, but nobody thought he was going to use it. The leaders of the unit told me that I should have reported it, though they didn't expect me to be a snitch. I thought to myself, what does that mean? Surely, this can't be a fault of mine since everyone knew about it. The problem was, everyone wasn't on trail and for some reason even though I was the victim, I was on trial. I was put on probation by the NROTC unit. The school gave me the option to present my case to fellow students or accept 300 hours of community service. I thought, I just lost my trial with NROTC, so I accepted the community service. 300 hours of community service and probation for having a knife pulled on me.

One night in my sophomore year, I woke up from a mid evening sleep to my buddy's trying to lure me out of my door room to tape me up. I fought it because I didn't know what prank they were trying to pull. When I realized what they were doing, I thought this must be the latest game. A week or so later, I saw another guy from our unit and convince some of the guys to pull the prank on him. We laughed and giggled like school girls, but he obviously didn't enjoy the game. He went into a rage fit, called his parents (who were active miltary members) and reported us with me as the main culprit. I thought to myself, but I didn't even start this game, how much trouble could I get into. I was charged this time with hazing and again put on a form of scholarship threatening probation. I guess everybody was playing the game, but I got "caught".

By my junior year, I think I was in the breaking phase. When I was told that I was being summoned to another board, I didn't even question what for. I knew that I couldn't defend myself and any reasons I provided for my actions would be viewed as excuses. Strangely, this year, I didn't even know what the charge was against me. I later found out that the charge was everything. My "advisor" pooled together every sub-par action I had ever committed as evidence that I was unfit for the program. He said that although my fitness test score was high, I was arrogantly and intentionally missing training (though I had a time conflict with my class schedule that he was aware of). He said I had an illegal brand, thought nothing in any military documentation declare the brand to be illegal. A majority of the charges were lies, but this was my third strike. In my board, I didn't try to argue, I had been here before. It felt like the 3 strike law had been implemented and I was going away for life for going 36mph in a 35mph zone.

Now when I encounter similar situations, I always feel powerless. I argue with my friend about the saying perception is reality and it's meaning. I believe that the statement means that no matter what the true is, the way the truth is perceived by the masses is what forms reality. Though in reality I didn't feel I did anything to warrant being kicked out of NROTC, as a result of the perception of the people at my board, my scholarship was dissolve and I was declare unfit to be an officer in the military. Now when I encounter similar situations, I get so stress about what action I should take that I feel a physical toll. Should I have fought harder in that last board to clear my name? Was writing all those letters to politicians after being kicked out matter? Did I have any control over the way I was perceived? What would happen if I was accused of murder instead? Watching the movie Crown Heights didn't help with that feeling. If there is so little that I can control, what do I do next?

I concluded that this paralyzing thought must be a form of post traumatic stress. Sadly, I know very few people that don't experience this on some level. I imagine that for sane (woke?) black people, this feeling is a birthright.

Hi Hater, Bye Hater

Self awareness. I have argued several times about my character. I'm a fan of a recent hit series named Game of Thrones. My favorite character on the show is a character that most people hate, but I greatly appreciate. He is generally viewed as sneaky, deceitful and untrustworthy. His name is Petyr Baelish a.k.a. Little Finger. In a friend's opinion, my character is most represented on the show by Eddard "Ned" Stark, a character that has high integrity and is loyal and honest to a fault. He is beloved by most and greatly appreciated in the context of fiction.

I recognize that these characters are opposites and most people question my sanity when I say that Lord Baelish is my favorite character. In truth, my character most aligns with Ned Stark and that may be the reason I can fully appreciate Little Finger. Little Finger has a level of awareness that few people possess, but nearly everyone requires. Additionally, his awareness in my opinion leads to what everyone eventually desires, self acceptance. Petyr recognizes the family he was born into, the diminished likelihood of success, and he recognizes that he can't win the game if he plays by the rules. Ultimately, to the joy of many, he doesn't win the game, but on the flip side Ned Stark never even passes GO or collect $200.

Self awareness is a precursor to self love. Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step to curing a problem is recognizing and admitting that the problem exists. Self help and self improvement books are extremely popular in society, but most people won't admit that they have problems or flaws. This is a great approach to interviews and the worst approach to life. I strive to learn and know myself better as a part of self improvement. Sometimes I convince myself that I can't change when I know that I just refuse to change. I find myself questioning my thoughts and feelings often in an attempt to be more self aware and I'm sure that I still deny aspects of myself.

Hater. Sometimes I feel like the term is used for just about everything. It has a negative connotation, but I think that it is more of a natural feeling. The lyrics to the early Kanye West's song always stand out in my mind when I think of the word. He says, "Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids."

Ultimately, hating breaks down to jealousy in my eyes and is often mislabeled. So, I only partially agree with his statement. It makes sense that you would inherit hate or jealousy from your parents because they raise you to understand their view of what's right and wrong, how to behave. The reason I say partially is that this is heavily influenced by society as well.

I often find myself at odds and frustrated with coworkers because I feel like they're trying to step on me in order to lift themselves up or because I feel like they get away with things that I can't. In my opinion, the root cause is my jealousy (I'm a hater). I complain about the things others get away with that I don't feel like I can get away with. However, I don't try to get away with these things because they're not who I am. Ned Stark wouldn't be able to live with himself had he lied or done dishonorable things. The few dishonorable things he did do, festered in his mind. Ultimately, he still couldn't live with himself despite the attempts at being virtuous.

I find that one of the major differences between myself and a coworker at the forefront of my mind is that the expectations you set for yourself are generally adopted by others. If you always show up late to work and the leadership team allows it, then it becomes an expectation. If you always hold yourself accountable, then others expect you to be responsible for your work and they hold you accountable. For me, I find it maddening when as a part of a team meeting, I'm questioned different than others on my team. Despite expectations, there should be a standard that doesn't deviate depending on the person that you're interacting with. This dynamic standard reminds me of societal expectations. In the movie A Time To Kill, the whole movie led up to the end where a simple question was asked, but couldn't be asked until they led the viewer through the deep dark details of the story and connect them to the story. Now, imagine that person is white. Even as a black person, sometimes I have to make that statement to myself and others. The reverse racism believer would probably think that's a bias statement to begin with. The "we're all just people" dreamer would say there's no need to bring race into your thoughts, just ignore the heavy influence that it has on your every thought.

Recognizing who you are is such an important part of change, growth and healing. Even if you aren't going to say goodbye to bad habits, at least have the courage to recognize them and say hi to them. I'm not sure if I'm ready to say bye to my hater, but I see him. Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change...

Losers & Winners

I find it very irritating to watch television at times because of the constant scrutinizing, which is one of the reasons I've never wanted to be a celebrity. I'm not sure that the money is worth the invasion of privacy that entities like TMZ provide or the constant criticism of the general media for ratings and views. I just watched a video where Dana White is talking about Holly Holm and insulting the intelligence of her manager.

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=espn:14929842

I have so much respect for Holly Holm's decision. Holly did what I feel any true fighter would do, she took on the toughest competitor and challenge ahead of her. The reason I say true fighter is because this isn't just the position of professional fighters, but any human being with pride and who desires to be the best that they can be.

Another story that has gotten lots of negative attention from the media is Russell Okung's decision to fire his agent and take his affairs into his own hands. People say that he's stupid and should have let his agent (management team) do their job. I recently had a similar experience where a motor in my furnace went bad and I accepted the task to repair it myself. The heating/cooling business that came out quoted me $700 to replace the part, I ordered and installed it myself for less than $200. Does accepting that challenge make me a genius because I succeeded? Does taking on tasks that you're not sure you can do make you a loser or a winner?

On the other side of the coin are guys like Dana White and Floyd Mayweather. Dana White took the right risk at the right time, so he's obviously the smartest person alive, because he's rich and therefore has the right to go on national television and insult the intelligence of others. In this country it does at times seem that your bank account is the true reflection of your intelligence and greatness. Floyd Mayweather won all of his fights and people still don't view him as the greatest. He made all of the right business decisions because he's a prize fighter and approached the fight business as such. As a result, Floyd Mayweather is unquestionably the greatest business-minded boxer of all time.

It's a lose-lose when people are looking at your life in hindsight, but fortunately as "regular" people we don't have to absorb the criticism of millions of people everyday. The entire situation reminds me of Michael Jackson's song "You Can't Win" from The Wiz. I respect Holly Holm and Russell Okung for their decisions and for not being life cowards. That's the stuff that Civil Rights leaders and revolutionaries (my heroes) are made of. For me, being a winner or loser is based upon your character and not your bank account. Though I'm sure Holly Holm & Russell Okung have much healthier bank accounts than my own, I consider them winners because they accepted life's challenges.

Black Lives Matter & Chicago Protests

I take issue with the fact that young black men are being murdered without repercussion or justification.  For the most part, the United States is opposed to the death penalty.  In other words, we don't want a highly educated and community appointed judge to make the decision on whether an accused criminal that has been found guilty in the court of law should be put to death or not.  However, many people in the same society fight for the right of less educated and more biased police officers to take the lives of young black men that they perceive as guilty in the heat of a moment.  The reason for the black lives matter campaign in my eyes is the previous sentence.  That sentence does not include police taking the lives of all men or all people, but a specific group of people.  The same group which the court of law and those appointed to uphold the law don't seem to care about.

When considering protesting, in my mind I tried to come up with a sign that would express my views properly.  Saying or promoting an idea that only resonates with the same group of people that already care almost defeats the purpose to me.  So, I wanted to express my views to those who are defenders of the right to take black (in their eyes, dangerous) lives.  Many that fight for the right of police officers come from the view point that these officers were in a dangerous situation and should be praised for doing their job and getting criminals off of the street.  The entire concept of innocent until proven guilty is thrown out of the door because a person ran from the police or was in the "wrong" neighborhood or was perceived to be dangerous.  The perception of dangerous in America means you're either black or you have a weapon and tattoos all over your body.

Maybe I could hold up a sign that says Arrest Don't Annihilate or Life Over Prejudice or Let Judges Judge And Police Police.  Somehow, I don't feel like a majority of people are sending that message.  My concern would be that my efforts would be misconstrued as a defense for criminals, the same way that I view supporters of police criminals.   Maybe the sign I should hold should say I Support Police Officers Not Police Criminals.  I think that message would be a miss for most.

A part of the reason I didn't protest is because I didn't feel like I did my part in researching the details of the incidents that took place.  I knew that another black life had been discarded, but I didn't know the details of how and/or why.  I'm not sure that I would fight for a police officer having to look down the barrel of a gun before making a judgment call because then it would be too late.  I don't have an expectation of perfection when it comes to policing, but lives are far to important to keep making the same mistakes and seeing the same phantom weapons because you see a face with dark skin.  If I were to protest, I'd like to be able to present the idea from a different perspective, one that makes an actual difference and opens eyes to what I'm seeing.  But, without the detailed knowledge of the situation, I feel like I'd just be another unarmed black male awaiting execution by public opinion (Fox News).

Acting White & Stereotypes

I found myself discussing Lalapalooza recently.  I have never been to the event, but I know that it's a huge event that happens here in Chicago annually.  My former coworkers in New York would book flights to come to Chicago, just to attend this event.  I've always kinda assumed what was brought to my attention during my recent conversations, that this was a "young white" event or at best a "non-black" event.

My conversations forced me to analyze the thought that a music festival is a young white people's event.  One of the people I had the conversation with supported the concept by telling me that her coworkers told her that the event is for a younger white crowd.  I know that different events are geared toward different audiences, but I questioned if this was really true.  Considering that Caucasians represent the majority of people in this country, wouldn't everything from a business perspective be geared toward that group?  In my debate I asked the question, then what events are there for young or middle-aged descendants of Africa?  Silence.

The reality of that question hits hard.  If you've grown up in this country then the media and personal experience will tell you the true answer.  If you ask that question to someone publicly, you'll probably get the PC answer or an I don't know.  But, true based on statistics or not, most people will either think or subconsciously think rap/hip-hop concerts or something more negative like jail or participating in illegal activities.  This is probably why I spent a majority of my younger life indoors and not interact with people in my neighborhood.  Maybe I'm only expressing my own subconscious thoughts and not those of the majority, but the fact that these are the first answers that come to my mind as a middle-aged descendant of Africa (born & raise in America) is a problem.  Everything that I do isn't based on what America's population believes I should do, but I have to admit that it greatly influences the way that I think and probably my actions.

I find myself reminiscing on when my coworker told me that I strike him as angry & violent.  When I asked him why, he gave the magic answer - I don't know.  This is why the first thought when a descendant of Africa is murdered by a police officer isn't why did the police officer feel the need to use deadly force, but what kind of person is the victim.  For most of my life, I've probably only participated in activities that I felt were "black" because I wanted to feel comfortable doing so and not feel that insecure feeling that a descendant of Africa feels when walking into an all-Caucasian bar or event.  I didn't teach myself what it was to "act black" just like the children of tomorrow won't teach themselves.  We as Americans and especially fellow Americans that are descendants of Africa need to watch what we say and how we define what's "black".  The movie Dope emphasizes this concept as well.  Let's stop saying and more importantly, let's stop thinking that things of a positive nature are only to be associated with the majority.

Dark Night

I have seen commercials that read off long lists of side effects. One kinda stood out to me. Night terrors. I remember when I first heard it I thought, 'Why not just say nightmares?' Well last night I figured out the difference.

It took two experiences for me to define it, but I knew what it was before looking up the definition. Two nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. My entire arm was numb. I hopped out of the bed shaking and rubbing my arm trembling inside and pacing next to my bed. My wife asked what was wrong and I tried not to explain. That night I took a Unisom sleeping pill, then I felt a little sick, so I took Nightquil so maybe it was a bad mix.

Then last night I took another Unisom. I awoke in the middle of the night again. I was extremely terrified again. I kept thinking about death and it happening inevitably, how I quickly it could happen and how unprepared I am for it. I tried to rationalize the fear away, but it was as if I had been sprayed with the Scarecrow's fear concoction. This wasn't a thought I hadn't thought of before, but much more intense this time. When I woke up this morning, I knew I had been experiencing night terrors. I haven't found them as a side effect of the medication but I have about 40 pills left and I still have trouble sleeping.