Dark Night

I have seen commercials that read off long lists of side effects. One kinda stood out to me. Night terrors. I remember when I first heard it I thought, 'Why not just say nightmares?' Well last night I figured out the difference.

It took two experiences for me to define it, but I knew what it was before looking up the definition. Two nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. My entire arm was numb. I hopped out of the bed shaking and rubbing my arm trembling inside and pacing next to my bed. My wife asked what was wrong and I tried not to explain. That night I took a Unisom sleeping pill, then I felt a little sick, so I took Nightquil so maybe it was a bad mix.

Then last night I took another Unisom. I awoke in the middle of the night again. I was extremely terrified again. I kept thinking about death and it happening inevitably, how I quickly it could happen and how unprepared I am for it. I tried to rationalize the fear away, but it was as if I had been sprayed with the Scarecrow's fear concoction. This wasn't a thought I hadn't thought of before, but much more intense this time. When I woke up this morning, I knew I had been experiencing night terrors. I haven't found them as a side effect of the medication but I have about 40 pills left and I still have trouble sleeping.

Life Lesson

Me Against The World. Fuck The World. If you guessed 2pac, you were right. These are 2 of the many 2pac songs I like and a conversation that I had last night reminded me of why. Last night I explained to a friend that as a kid if there was a girl that I liked that didn’t think I was worth the time of day, my mother would say, “Fuck her.” He laughed and said that he was thinking the same thought as I paused before speaking my mother’s thought. I confirmed that if a person doesn’t appreciate/value you, then “Fuck him/her.” When I was in college, I dedicated myself to the only vehicle I had to attend college, a national NROTC scholarship that I was awarded. The people in the program, which included my friend, were like family to me. The closest biological family that I knew of were multiple states away. NROTC students stayed in upper classmen dorms so I didn’t have opportunities to gel with other new students that were looking to form new relationship. I assumed that all of the people in the program knew and shared those feelings to the extent that arguments/disagreements wouldn’t stop us from being family. We started out with about twenty people in our class and after two years there was only about six of us. In my junior year, I got kicked out of the program. After that I would still talk to the final six, but our paths rarely crossed outside of parties and besides one of the six and one of the original twenty, no one really attempted to keep a friendship going. There were only about four out of the six of us that graduated on time and to my knowledge, three of the six went into the Navy after college. A few years later, I found out that one of the six was getting married and my friend was the best man. Five out of the six attended the wedding. There have been very few places that I’ve gone where I have started meaningful relationships. My friend makes friends easily. Even members of my family, including my mom, have tons of friends of varying degrees. I have never been good at making or keeping friends. People interact with me, sometimes closely, but temporarily. The people that I’ve worked with don’t mix their personal lives with their work lives and I’m not the type of person to impose myself on others. I have met a ton of people throughout my lifetime, but most don’t stick. Logic would lead me to believe that those people don’t value me. In taking the advice of two of the people that are close to me and honing in on my fill in the blank skills I’m left with, “Fuck The World.” I’m a very forgetful person and before last night’s conversation I forgot about the issues that I’ve had with relationships that are mutually valued. I even had the nerve to wonder if I could be a successful politician. Lately, I’ve been thinking about everything in terms of being a politician and winning votes. From appearing in court in front of a jury, to being a fan favorite athlete, to winning over interviewers for a job. I can’t even convince family members to return phone calls or former co workers to recognize my existence, but somehow I thought I could convince strangers to believe in me and elect me in an election. Memories of why I didn’t want children were reintroduced to me last night. Currently, it’s me against the world. Though I know that misery loves company, I dread having to explain to a child that because he/she doesn’t possess any value to the world at large he/she needs to take the “Fuck The World” approach.