Self awareness. I have argued several times about my character. I'm a fan of a recent hit series named Game of Thrones. My favorite character on the show is a character that most people hate, but I greatly appreciate. He is generally viewed as sneaky, deceitful and untrustworthy. His name is Petyr Baelish a.k.a. Little Finger. In a friend's opinion, my character is most represented on the show by Eddard "Ned" Stark, a character that has high integrity and is loyal and honest to a fault. He is beloved by most and greatly appreciated in the context of fiction.
I recognize that these characters are opposites and most people question my sanity when I say that Lord Baelish is my favorite character. In truth, my character most aligns with Ned Stark and that may be the reason I can fully appreciate Little Finger. Little Finger has a level of awareness that few people possess, but nearly everyone requires. Additionally, his awareness in my opinion leads to what everyone eventually desires, self acceptance. Petyr recognizes the family he was born into, the diminished likelihood of success, and he recognizes that he can't win the game if he plays by the rules. Ultimately, to the joy of many, he doesn't win the game, but on the flip side Ned Stark never even passes GO or collect $200.
Self awareness is a precursor to self love. Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step to curing a problem is recognizing and admitting that the problem exists. Self help and self improvement books are extremely popular in society, but most people won't admit that they have problems or flaws. This is a great approach to interviews and the worst approach to life. I strive to learn and know myself better as a part of self improvement. Sometimes I convince myself that I can't change when I know that I just refuse to change. I find myself questioning my thoughts and feelings often in an attempt to be more self aware and I'm sure that I still deny aspects of myself.Hater. Sometimes I feel like the term is used for just about everything. It has a negative connotation, but I think that it is more of a natural feeling. The lyrics to the early Kanye West's song always stand out in my mind when I think of the word. He says, "Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids."
Ultimately, hating breaks down to jealousy in my eyes and is often mislabeled. So, I only partially agree with his statement. It makes sense that you would inherit hate or jealousy from your parents because they raise you to understand their view of what's right and wrong, how to behave. The reason I say partially is that this is heavily influenced by society as well.
I often find myself at odds and frustrated with coworkers because I feel like they're trying to step on me in order to lift themselves up or because I feel like they get away with things that I can't. In my opinion, the root cause is my jealousy (I'm a hater). I complain about the things others get away with that I don't feel like I can get away with. However, I don't try to get away with these things because they're not who I am. Ned Stark wouldn't be able to live with himself had he lied or done dishonorable things. The few dishonorable things he did do, festered in his mind. Ultimately, he still couldn't live with himself despite the attempts at being virtuous.
I find that one of the major differences between myself and a coworker at the forefront of my mind is that the expectations you set for yourself are generally adopted by others. If you always show up late to work and the leadership team allows it, then it becomes an expectation. If you always hold yourself accountable, then others expect you to be responsible for your work and they hold you accountable. For me, I find it maddening when as a part of a team meeting, I'm questioned different than others on my team. Despite expectations, there should be a standard that doesn't deviate depending on the person that you're interacting with. This dynamic standard reminds me of societal expectations. In the movie A Time To Kill, the whole movie led up to the end where a simple question was asked, but couldn't be asked until they led the viewer through the deep dark details of the story and connect them to the story. Now, imagine that person is white. Even as a black person, sometimes I have to make that statement to myself and others. The reverse racism believer would probably think that's a bias statement to begin with. The "we're all just people" dreamer would say there's no need to bring race into your thoughts, just ignore the heavy influence that it has on your every thought.
Recognizing who you are is such an important part of change, growth and healing. Even if you aren't going to say goodbye to bad habits, at least have the courage to recognize them and say hi to them. I'm not sure if I'm ready to say bye to my hater, but I see him. Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change...
