Cause Girls Is Players Too

I often find myself trying to make sense of life. I remember growing up as a kid hearing people tell me that the word "nigger" meant an ignorant person. I thought...no it doesn't! Maybe technically it does, but realistically it doesn't. Even then I knew that perception was reality without hearing the cool quote. But, it bothers me when I think I'm right, but I have no proof. So, I decided to try and prove or disprove my thinking.

I was pretty cool with one of my white classmates, so I decided to use him as my test dummy. Even though I wasn't at my historically black college or even a majority black school at the time, this wasn't a rare term by any stretch of the imagination. So, I used it as a term of endearment (no hard "r" -- where they do that at) and I said to my white classmate, "You know you're my nigga, right."

We weren't really young, but I feel like we weren't in corporate America and we were cool enough, so he quickly responded with the truth and nothing but the truth and said, "I'm not black."

I knew it! My sanity check was complete. If it meant what they said it meant, he would have said, I'm not ignorant/stupid/dumb/etc.

Fast forward about a million years. I find myself needing a reality check again. Times change, so anything I write or think is probably going to be complete 360 in a few years. But, nigga still doesn't mean an ignorant person. I wonder if people still tell that lie.

I love this catchy son, Players by Coi Leray. I must admit, I think this is one of the times where I'm overanalyzing, but then again I am me. I think some women actually subscribe to the idea that a nigga is an ignorant person. However, I think that some terms are masculine/feminine (even in our genderless society) in English just like in Spanish. Dog (Dawg) is the masculine version of Bitch. Only one of the terms is offensive or a curse word, which tends to be the case. I mean, when is the last time you heard of someone calling someone else a father fucker?

It's also possible that I'm looking at groups of people that think like me and there are other groups that exist. Groups that get offended by being called a dog or groups of people that think nigger is an ignorant person. I do know women tell other women, "That's my bitch!", but maybe there's a group of people where women say that to straight men lovingly, as a term of endearment and it is received the same way. Girls aren't players too, because the feminine version of a player is a whore or ho. One of them is offensive and derogatory, is that always the feminine version?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Life teaches me all the lessons that school tried to teach me and help me understand the importance of those lessons. I imagine that this is a natural occurrence for all adults as they age. Words and phrases that made no sense to me when I initially heard them become common sense. The example I like to use to explain this to others is political science. I used to always try to get people to explain to me what this major was about and none of the explanations created an "aha" moment for me. Then I read the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I thought to myself, this book could be a science. Like biology is the study of life, this might actually be a more important science, like how to win at life. How to win over people, how to win favor in a job interview, hell how to win an election. The study of winning elections like politics. A political science. Wait...where have I heard that phrase before.

Everything is so easy to Google now, but I refused to look this one up. As I tried to explain some stress that I was experiencing to my wife, I slowly came to the realization that this must be post traumatic stress disorder. I know that's most commonly used for soldiers after war, but I concluded that this must be the same thing. I likened my stress to how I imagined Theon Greyjoy felt in Game of Thrones. He had been tricked so many times that his belief that he could escape the torture and torment began to dissolve. The stress of the trauma he had experienced left him unable to respond to the opportunity to escape. How painful must such a thing be. To feel so hopeless and powerless.

It was a feeling that felt familiar and made the scenes incredibly difficult to watch. It was just as difficult to watch Kunte Kente break down and say that his name was Toby. After all, if he died refusing to change his name would the name even matter anymore?

As I continued to expand on my situation, I realized that I too am experiencing something similar. When I was in college, I experienced a traumatic experience every year. I was enrolled in the NROTC program with a nationwide scholarship. My freshman year, a guy pulled a knife on me and threatened to stab me. We were both brought up to a board (similar to a court trail) in our unit. I thought to myself, this must just be a process to get all of the facts of the case straight. During the board, I was asked if I had ever seen the illegal contriband (the huge knife) before. I said yes, he would show it off to everyone in the dorms, but nobody thought he was going to use it. The leaders of the unit told me that I should have reported it, though they didn't expect me to be a snitch. I thought to myself, what does that mean? Surely, this can't be a fault of mine since everyone knew about it. The problem was, everyone wasn't on trail and for some reason even though I was the victim, I was on trial. I was put on probation by the NROTC unit. The school gave me the option to present my case to fellow students or accept 300 hours of community service. I thought, I just lost my trial with NROTC, so I accepted the community service. 300 hours of community service and probation for having a knife pulled on me.

One night in my sophomore year, I woke up from a mid evening sleep to my buddy's trying to lure me out of my door room to tape me up. I fought it because I didn't know what prank they were trying to pull. When I realized what they were doing, I thought this must be the latest game. A week or so later, I saw another guy from our unit and convince some of the guys to pull the prank on him. We laughed and giggled like school girls, but he obviously didn't enjoy the game. He went into a rage fit, called his parents (who were active miltary members) and reported us with me as the main culprit. I thought to myself, but I didn't even start this game, how much trouble could I get into. I was charged this time with hazing and again put on a form of scholarship threatening probation. I guess everybody was playing the game, but I got "caught".

By my junior year, I think I was in the breaking phase. When I was told that I was being summoned to another board, I didn't even question what for. I knew that I couldn't defend myself and any reasons I provided for my actions would be viewed as excuses. Strangely, this year, I didn't even know what the charge was against me. I later found out that the charge was everything. My "advisor" pooled together every sub-par action I had ever committed as evidence that I was unfit for the program. He said that although my fitness test score was high, I was arrogantly and intentionally missing training (though I had a time conflict with my class schedule that he was aware of). He said I had an illegal brand, thought nothing in any military documentation declare the brand to be illegal. A majority of the charges were lies, but this was my third strike. In my board, I didn't try to argue, I had been here before. It felt like the 3 strike law had been implemented and I was going away for life for going 36mph in a 35mph zone.

Now when I encounter similar situations, I always feel powerless. I argue with my friend about the saying perception is reality and it's meaning. I believe that the statement means that no matter what the true is, the way the truth is perceived by the masses is what forms reality. Though in reality I didn't feel I did anything to warrant being kicked out of NROTC, as a result of the perception of the people at my board, my scholarship was dissolve and I was declare unfit to be an officer in the military. Now when I encounter similar situations, I get so stress about what action I should take that I feel a physical toll. Should I have fought harder in that last board to clear my name? Was writing all those letters to politicians after being kicked out matter? Did I have any control over the way I was perceived? What would happen if I was accused of murder instead? Watching the movie Crown Heights didn't help with that feeling. If there is so little that I can control, what do I do next?

I concluded that this paralyzing thought must be a form of post traumatic stress. Sadly, I know very few people that don't experience this on some level. I imagine that for sane (woke?) black people, this feeling is a birthright.

Hi Hater, Bye Hater

Self awareness. I have argued several times about my character. I'm a fan of a recent hit series named Game of Thrones. My favorite character on the show is a character that most people hate, but I greatly appreciate. He is generally viewed as sneaky, deceitful and untrustworthy. His name is Petyr Baelish a.k.a. Little Finger. In a friend's opinion, my character is most represented on the show by Eddard "Ned" Stark, a character that has high integrity and is loyal and honest to a fault. He is beloved by most and greatly appreciated in the context of fiction.

I recognize that these characters are opposites and most people question my sanity when I say that Lord Baelish is my favorite character. In truth, my character most aligns with Ned Stark and that may be the reason I can fully appreciate Little Finger. Little Finger has a level of awareness that few people possess, but nearly everyone requires. Additionally, his awareness in my opinion leads to what everyone eventually desires, self acceptance. Petyr recognizes the family he was born into, the diminished likelihood of success, and he recognizes that he can't win the game if he plays by the rules. Ultimately, to the joy of many, he doesn't win the game, but on the flip side Ned Stark never even passes GO or collect $200.

Self awareness is a precursor to self love. Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step to curing a problem is recognizing and admitting that the problem exists. Self help and self improvement books are extremely popular in society, but most people won't admit that they have problems or flaws. This is a great approach to interviews and the worst approach to life. I strive to learn and know myself better as a part of self improvement. Sometimes I convince myself that I can't change when I know that I just refuse to change. I find myself questioning my thoughts and feelings often in an attempt to be more self aware and I'm sure that I still deny aspects of myself.

Hater. Sometimes I feel like the term is used for just about everything. It has a negative connotation, but I think that it is more of a natural feeling. The lyrics to the early Kanye West's song always stand out in my mind when I think of the word. He says, "Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids."

Ultimately, hating breaks down to jealousy in my eyes and is often mislabeled. So, I only partially agree with his statement. It makes sense that you would inherit hate or jealousy from your parents because they raise you to understand their view of what's right and wrong, how to behave. The reason I say partially is that this is heavily influenced by society as well.

I often find myself at odds and frustrated with coworkers because I feel like they're trying to step on me in order to lift themselves up or because I feel like they get away with things that I can't. In my opinion, the root cause is my jealousy (I'm a hater). I complain about the things others get away with that I don't feel like I can get away with. However, I don't try to get away with these things because they're not who I am. Ned Stark wouldn't be able to live with himself had he lied or done dishonorable things. The few dishonorable things he did do, festered in his mind. Ultimately, he still couldn't live with himself despite the attempts at being virtuous.

I find that one of the major differences between myself and a coworker at the forefront of my mind is that the expectations you set for yourself are generally adopted by others. If you always show up late to work and the leadership team allows it, then it becomes an expectation. If you always hold yourself accountable, then others expect you to be responsible for your work and they hold you accountable. For me, I find it maddening when as a part of a team meeting, I'm questioned different than others on my team. Despite expectations, there should be a standard that doesn't deviate depending on the person that you're interacting with. This dynamic standard reminds me of societal expectations. In the movie A Time To Kill, the whole movie led up to the end where a simple question was asked, but couldn't be asked until they led the viewer through the deep dark details of the story and connect them to the story. Now, imagine that person is white. Even as a black person, sometimes I have to make that statement to myself and others. The reverse racism believer would probably think that's a bias statement to begin with. The "we're all just people" dreamer would say there's no need to bring race into your thoughts, just ignore the heavy influence that it has on your every thought.

Recognizing who you are is such an important part of change, growth and healing. Even if you aren't going to say goodbye to bad habits, at least have the courage to recognize them and say hi to them. I'm not sure if I'm ready to say bye to my hater, but I see him. Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change...

Losers & Winners

I find it very irritating to watch television at times because of the constant scrutinizing, which is one of the reasons I've never wanted to be a celebrity. I'm not sure that the money is worth the invasion of privacy that entities like TMZ provide or the constant criticism of the general media for ratings and views. I just watched a video where Dana White is talking about Holly Holm and insulting the intelligence of her manager.

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=espn:14929842

I have so much respect for Holly Holm's decision. Holly did what I feel any true fighter would do, she took on the toughest competitor and challenge ahead of her. The reason I say true fighter is because this isn't just the position of professional fighters, but any human being with pride and who desires to be the best that they can be.

Another story that has gotten lots of negative attention from the media is Russell Okung's decision to fire his agent and take his affairs into his own hands. People say that he's stupid and should have let his agent (management team) do their job. I recently had a similar experience where a motor in my furnace went bad and I accepted the task to repair it myself. The heating/cooling business that came out quoted me $700 to replace the part, I ordered and installed it myself for less than $200. Does accepting that challenge make me a genius because I succeeded? Does taking on tasks that you're not sure you can do make you a loser or a winner?

On the other side of the coin are guys like Dana White and Floyd Mayweather. Dana White took the right risk at the right time, so he's obviously the smartest person alive, because he's rich and therefore has the right to go on national television and insult the intelligence of others. In this country it does at times seem that your bank account is the true reflection of your intelligence and greatness. Floyd Mayweather won all of his fights and people still don't view him as the greatest. He made all of the right business decisions because he's a prize fighter and approached the fight business as such. As a result, Floyd Mayweather is unquestionably the greatest business-minded boxer of all time.

It's a lose-lose when people are looking at your life in hindsight, but fortunately as "regular" people we don't have to absorb the criticism of millions of people everyday. The entire situation reminds me of Michael Jackson's song "You Can't Win" from The Wiz. I respect Holly Holm and Russell Okung for their decisions and for not being life cowards. That's the stuff that Civil Rights leaders and revolutionaries (my heroes) are made of. For me, being a winner or loser is based upon your character and not your bank account. Though I'm sure Holly Holm & Russell Okung have much healthier bank accounts than my own, I consider them winners because they accepted life's challenges.

Black Lives Matter & Chicago Protests

I take issue with the fact that young black men are being murdered without repercussion or justification.  For the most part, the United States is opposed to the death penalty.  In other words, we don't want a highly educated and community appointed judge to make the decision on whether an accused criminal that has been found guilty in the court of law should be put to death or not.  However, many people in the same society fight for the right of less educated and more biased police officers to take the lives of young black men that they perceive as guilty in the heat of a moment.  The reason for the black lives matter campaign in my eyes is the previous sentence.  That sentence does not include police taking the lives of all men or all people, but a specific group of people.  The same group which the court of law and those appointed to uphold the law don't seem to care about.

When considering protesting, in my mind I tried to come up with a sign that would express my views properly.  Saying or promoting an idea that only resonates with the same group of people that already care almost defeats the purpose to me.  So, I wanted to express my views to those who are defenders of the right to take black (in their eyes, dangerous) lives.  Many that fight for the right of police officers come from the view point that these officers were in a dangerous situation and should be praised for doing their job and getting criminals off of the street.  The entire concept of innocent until proven guilty is thrown out of the door because a person ran from the police or was in the "wrong" neighborhood or was perceived to be dangerous.  The perception of dangerous in America means you're either black or you have a weapon and tattoos all over your body.

Maybe I could hold up a sign that says Arrest Don't Annihilate or Life Over Prejudice or Let Judges Judge And Police Police.  Somehow, I don't feel like a majority of people are sending that message.  My concern would be that my efforts would be misconstrued as a defense for criminals, the same way that I view supporters of police criminals.   Maybe the sign I should hold should say I Support Police Officers Not Police Criminals.  I think that message would be a miss for most.

A part of the reason I didn't protest is because I didn't feel like I did my part in researching the details of the incidents that took place.  I knew that another black life had been discarded, but I didn't know the details of how and/or why.  I'm not sure that I would fight for a police officer having to look down the barrel of a gun before making a judgment call because then it would be too late.  I don't have an expectation of perfection when it comes to policing, but lives are far to important to keep making the same mistakes and seeing the same phantom weapons because you see a face with dark skin.  If I were to protest, I'd like to be able to present the idea from a different perspective, one that makes an actual difference and opens eyes to what I'm seeing.  But, without the detailed knowledge of the situation, I feel like I'd just be another unarmed black male awaiting execution by public opinion (Fox News).

Acting White & Stereotypes

I found myself discussing Lalapalooza recently.  I have never been to the event, but I know that it's a huge event that happens here in Chicago annually.  My former coworkers in New York would book flights to come to Chicago, just to attend this event.  I've always kinda assumed what was brought to my attention during my recent conversations, that this was a "young white" event or at best a "non-black" event.

My conversations forced me to analyze the thought that a music festival is a young white people's event.  One of the people I had the conversation with supported the concept by telling me that her coworkers told her that the event is for a younger white crowd.  I know that different events are geared toward different audiences, but I questioned if this was really true.  Considering that Caucasians represent the majority of people in this country, wouldn't everything from a business perspective be geared toward that group?  In my debate I asked the question, then what events are there for young or middle-aged descendants of Africa?  Silence.

The reality of that question hits hard.  If you've grown up in this country then the media and personal experience will tell you the true answer.  If you ask that question to someone publicly, you'll probably get the PC answer or an I don't know.  But, true based on statistics or not, most people will either think or subconsciously think rap/hip-hop concerts or something more negative like jail or participating in illegal activities.  This is probably why I spent a majority of my younger life indoors and not interact with people in my neighborhood.  Maybe I'm only expressing my own subconscious thoughts and not those of the majority, but the fact that these are the first answers that come to my mind as a middle-aged descendant of Africa (born & raise in America) is a problem.  Everything that I do isn't based on what America's population believes I should do, but I have to admit that it greatly influences the way that I think and probably my actions.

I find myself reminiscing on when my coworker told me that I strike him as angry & violent.  When I asked him why, he gave the magic answer - I don't know.  This is why the first thought when a descendant of Africa is murdered by a police officer isn't why did the police officer feel the need to use deadly force, but what kind of person is the victim.  For most of my life, I've probably only participated in activities that I felt were "black" because I wanted to feel comfortable doing so and not feel that insecure feeling that a descendant of Africa feels when walking into an all-Caucasian bar or event.  I didn't teach myself what it was to "act black" just like the children of tomorrow won't teach themselves.  We as Americans and especially fellow Americans that are descendants of Africa need to watch what we say and how we define what's "black".  The movie Dope emphasizes this concept as well.  Let's stop saying and more importantly, let's stop thinking that things of a positive nature are only to be associated with the majority.

Dark Night

I have seen commercials that read off long lists of side effects. One kinda stood out to me. Night terrors. I remember when I first heard it I thought, 'Why not just say nightmares?' Well last night I figured out the difference.

It took two experiences for me to define it, but I knew what it was before looking up the definition. Two nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. My entire arm was numb. I hopped out of the bed shaking and rubbing my arm trembling inside and pacing next to my bed. My wife asked what was wrong and I tried not to explain. That night I took a Unisom sleeping pill, then I felt a little sick, so I took Nightquil so maybe it was a bad mix.

Then last night I took another Unisom. I awoke in the middle of the night again. I was extremely terrified again. I kept thinking about death and it happening inevitably, how I quickly it could happen and how unprepared I am for it. I tried to rationalize the fear away, but it was as if I had been sprayed with the Scarecrow's fear concoction. This wasn't a thought I hadn't thought of before, but much more intense this time. When I woke up this morning, I knew I had been experiencing night terrors. I haven't found them as a side effect of the medication but I have about 40 pills left and I still have trouble sleeping.

Life Lesson

Me Against The World. Fuck The World. If you guessed 2pac, you were right. These are 2 of the many 2pac songs I like and a conversation that I had last night reminded me of why. Last night I explained to a friend that as a kid if there was a girl that I liked that didn’t think I was worth the time of day, my mother would say, “Fuck her.” He laughed and said that he was thinking the same thought as I paused before speaking my mother’s thought. I confirmed that if a person doesn’t appreciate/value you, then “Fuck him/her.” When I was in college, I dedicated myself to the only vehicle I had to attend college, a national NROTC scholarship that I was awarded. The people in the program, which included my friend, were like family to me. The closest biological family that I knew of were multiple states away. NROTC students stayed in upper classmen dorms so I didn’t have opportunities to gel with other new students that were looking to form new relationship. I assumed that all of the people in the program knew and shared those feelings to the extent that arguments/disagreements wouldn’t stop us from being family. We started out with about twenty people in our class and after two years there was only about six of us. In my junior year, I got kicked out of the program. After that I would still talk to the final six, but our paths rarely crossed outside of parties and besides one of the six and one of the original twenty, no one really attempted to keep a friendship going. There were only about four out of the six of us that graduated on time and to my knowledge, three of the six went into the Navy after college. A few years later, I found out that one of the six was getting married and my friend was the best man. Five out of the six attended the wedding. There have been very few places that I’ve gone where I have started meaningful relationships. My friend makes friends easily. Even members of my family, including my mom, have tons of friends of varying degrees. I have never been good at making or keeping friends. People interact with me, sometimes closely, but temporarily. The people that I’ve worked with don’t mix their personal lives with their work lives and I’m not the type of person to impose myself on others. I have met a ton of people throughout my lifetime, but most don’t stick. Logic would lead me to believe that those people don’t value me. In taking the advice of two of the people that are close to me and honing in on my fill in the blank skills I’m left with, “Fuck The World.” I’m a very forgetful person and before last night’s conversation I forgot about the issues that I’ve had with relationships that are mutually valued. I even had the nerve to wonder if I could be a successful politician. Lately, I’ve been thinking about everything in terms of being a politician and winning votes. From appearing in court in front of a jury, to being a fan favorite athlete, to winning over interviewers for a job. I can’t even convince family members to return phone calls or former co workers to recognize my existence, but somehow I thought I could convince strangers to believe in me and elect me in an election. Memories of why I didn’t want children were reintroduced to me last night. Currently, it’s me against the world. Though I know that misery loves company, I dread having to explain to a child that because he/she doesn’t possess any value to the world at large he/she needs to take the “Fuck The World” approach.

Psycho

I have always thought that there is something wrong with me.  In many scenarios, I can't comprehend how other people see the situation.  Sometimes it's to the extent that I feel something must be wrong with the way I'm thinking or the way my brain works.  Often times the setting/situation is a social one and the fact that people have told me that I'm a social person makes me even more concerned about my mental health when these scenarios arise.

About a year ago, I told one of my coworkers about the great time that I had when I traveled to Toronto and attended Caribana.  I introduced the idea that we should take a road trip from Chicago out there.  He said he wanted to, but I believe there was a conflict due to the fact that it was short time and I just threw it out there on a whim.  We decided to table the idea and we both threw out the idea of maybe next year.  Today, he approached me with another coworker.  She came to me and said, "We're going to Caribana, you wanna come?"

I was caught a little off guard, but it didn't surprise me that he had discussed the idea with her.  Here comes the strange part in the mind of me.  He said to me, "Yeah I was talking with some of my friends this weekend and me and my crew decided that we're going to take a trip out there."

"HUH?!" (My brain)

So, I have spent too much time thinking about this.  In my mind, the way to approach the situation would have been for him to ask me if I still wanted to take the trip we discussed last year.  However, I find it tremendously awkward & strange that he would tell me that him and his friends decided to go on the trip I originally planned and invited him to.  The presentation made it even stranger to me because it was as if he were presenting me with my own idea.  I would relate it to me walking up to George Washington Carver and saying, "Check out this cool thing I can do with peanuts, wanna taste?"  Two weeks after he showed it to do this cool thing.

I'm almost positive that someone, actually several someones can read this story or be presented with the story and not get where I'm coming from, not even think there was anything strange about my coworkers statements.  However, I can't.

So, here's how this all ties into my title.  I've heard people discussing the crazy actions of psychos in this country who have committed mass murders.  Although I don't agree with their actions, I can in some instances understand how someone can lose control and do something crazy.  However, I can't understand things like the above and many other common social scenarios.  I would hope that this doesn't make me a psycho, but sometimes being unique leaves you feeling unrelatable and isolated.  This is just one of those frequent moments for me.

20/80

Life ain't fair.  I've heard it a thousand times, but it's still hard for me to accept.  Not necessarily that life isn't fair, but the fact that in my life I feel like none of the relationships I have are fair.

Years ago, I spoke with a friend about the fact that no relationship is 50/50.  He asked me what percentage I felt our relationship was.  I told him 30/70.  Initially he was shocked, but after I explained to him why I felt that way all he could say was, "Damn". After some thought he agreed and I appreciated the fact that he could at least see it.  Today our relationship is more like 30/30, we aren't as close as we were when we lived near each other, but our relationship seems more even than most of my relationships.

Another friend always told me that I expect too much from my friends.  I argued with him that I expect what I give.  We had been through some things in our friendship, moments where it wasn't clear that there was a friendship at all.  He swore to me that things were different.  I felt like I was always an open book with him.  After all friends, best friends anyway, don't keep secrets.  He always had a thing with telling me when he was in a relationship or pursuing a relationship for some reason.  I always told him all the details of my life, he knew about every argument & every fight of every almost relationship.  After he got his girlfriend pregnant he told me that he was finally kissing his girlfriend.  I guess disclosing every moment of your life to someone and asking them to be open with you is asking too much.

I recently stopped talking to my own mother for months.  I guess I just got so frustrated with the lack of fairness in my relationships that I decided I'd rather not have relationships than to continuously come out on the short end of the stick.  I visited my father 4 or more times when I was living in New York with no family nearby, he rarely even called me.  I took all of my siblings out to celebrate on my birthday a few years ago in an attempt to build on our relationships, not one asked me to go out since.  My cousin and aunt that I call my sister and mama auntie missed my high school & college graduation and my wedding.  They still ask me when I'm going to come visit them even though I've visited them several times in spite of their absences at every important event in my life.  I guess they'll have one more opportunity, my funeral.

I firmly believe that nothing happens without reason.  I know that humans by nature want to make excuses for why things suck in their lives instead of taking responsibility for their part in it all.  I'm still searching to figure out what my part is.  Answers like, "You expect too much" haven't helped me to be at peace with things.  I believe that venting serves no purpose when the words fall on deaf ears, but I also don't want to implode with anger and frustration.  I guess I'll continue to write blogs, randomly lash out, and sever ties until I can figure it all out.

Dexter Season 1 Episode 10: Seeing Red

I’m on the last leg of finishing up the first season of Dexter.  I’m about 7 years late, but I tend to catch on to popular television shows & movies late.  I had heard about this show, but the explanations didn’t make sense to me.  A popular television show about a serial killer?  I was curious about the contents of the show, but it wasn’t available on my Netflix account until recently, so I didn’t get a change to quench my curiosity.

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but things usually take a while to catch on for me.  Through the first few episodes, I wasn’t feeling it.  I forced myself to continue watching because I figured even if the show wasn’t my cup of tea, I’d eventually figure out why so many people loved it.  Took me 10 episodes, but I fully understand now.  Dexter is really a dramatic, suspense version of The Punisher, whereas The Punisher is more action based.  In Dexter, he only kills people that the viewing audience feels deserves to die.  His behavior is always justified, similar to a Time to Kill, who didn’t think those guys deserved to burn in hell (with the exception of Zimmerman supporters)?

Episode 10 made me think about fatherhood.  I often think about the lack of fathers in the black community and how so many people take on the challenge of having children and abandon the responsibilities that come with it.  Although I find it less prevalent than it is being portrayed in more recent television, it is nice to see that men aren’t always portrayed as negligent and uncaring.  It has been a little bothersome to watch the show and watch how this man really wants to be in his children’s lives and how difficult it gets.  I feel like there is a lot of reality in that, but I don’t think people see things that way (either parent) when they have children outside of wedlock.  I don’t think that marriage eliminates the possibility of the situation, but I think it demonstrates a level of commitment to having a family that should be a precursor to having a child.  Like going to college doesn't decrease the odds of finding a job, getting married doesn't decrease the odds of keeping a family together.  I find it crazy that people are afraid of the commitment involved in a marriage which can be dissolved at any time and a home which is just debt to be added to the unavoidable list of other debts, but don’t fear the lifetime commitment of having a child.

Watching this show makes me wonder about the psyche of some women.  This woman’s estranged husband was abusive to her so I understand the reluctance to have him as a part of her life; however, I feel like she has to know that he should be a part of her children’s lives.  That’s what she signed up for when she gave birth to their children.  She speaks about how she allows him to see his children as if she’s doing him a favor and they aren’t his children too.  I wonder if she had a father in her life or if people are just so detached from the concept of putting themselves in other’s shoes that they don’t think like that even when it’s their own children.  I feel like in reality there are more mothers pursuing fathers to be a part of their children’s lives (at least financially) than there are fathers pursuing mothers to be in their children’s lives.  Either way, that situation has got to be tough.

Ain't Got No Home

The older I get, the more I realize how much my opinions and beliefs have been affected by my surroundings.  It’s funny how many times I’ve had the nature versus nurture conversations and spoke about this exact topic without applying it to so many of my own thoughts.  When I was growing up, not meeting your potential was being middle aged and working at a fast food restaurant.  That is of course assuming that working at a fast food restaurant is a teenager’s job.

I find myself wondering why I never thought about the opposite end of the spectrum.  Since I started working post-college, I have always considered myself to be middle class, not knowing what that truly means or even what upper class truly means.  I don’t think I’ve had much interaction with the upper class to know it even if I saw it.  From my perspective, the upper class if Floyd Mayweather, Michael Jordan and the hundreds of famous persons that I’ve seen on television.  Kanye made a song about living next to Tom Cruise, which makes me believe that there is a section of the country exclusive to actors and the upper class.  But, what about their directors, doctors, mechanics, etc. that are at least semi rich.  Where do I fall in that spectrum?  I figure that the middle-aged fast food worker is the microscopic blip (I’m thinking about the scene at the end of Men In Black, when the world turns out to be a marble that the giamongus alien throws into his marble bag), but the question then become am I even a recognizable blip?

I can’t say that I’ve avoided this question my whole life, but I think mentally I’ve avoided thinking about it.  I’ve questioned who would care when I die every time I see a Malcolm X poster or hear a 2pac/Biggie reference and their memories are probably a blip in reference to their more popular white counterparts.  What would that make my memory?

This is a lot of deep thought that ultimately leads to my current predicament.  The thought of owning property is very intimidating to me.  I think about the nice houses out in the suburbs or those that I see on television series.  On King of Queens, a delivery guy and a lawyer’s secretary own a home in NEW YORK CITY!  I wonder if that’s even possible.  Is it my lack of intelligence that makes it so hard for me to find affordable housing outside of the hood?  I feel nervous seeing all of the foreclosures on the market from people who thought they were middle class (just like me) until their wife got pregnant and they realized they couldn’t live off of one salary or they lost their job that they were counting on and realized that there wasn’t another one waiting on them.

So, now I’m asking myself questions.  If life is temporary, why do I need to own property in the first place?  I’d love to have something to call my own until I can no longer afford it and it’s taken from me, but what’s the point?  Why pour my life savings into a property that I would in turn have to spend valuable life time tending to an ultimately, it can be taken from me after one unfortunate event and I have nothing to show for it.

I’ve heard so many people say that the above is the reason they don’t want to work for a company or a person and they want to work for themselves.  Well, there are a million people in this society that want a million dollars and very few of that million have it.  Is it optimistic or irresponsible to think that I’m going to be that one?  And what qualifies me to be that one as opposed to anyone else?  I guess I’m just torn and frustrated with life.  I hated that while I was going to school for my Masters degree, and working full time, I ended up living in the projects, overpaying for rent and I refuse to be in another situation like that.  The only problem is that even though I recognized the problem from my past I never found a solution.  As a former math teacher, I feel like I’ve figured out what the problem is, but I’m stuck staring at it because I don’t know how or where to start finding a solution.

Judgement Days

Why does the term mid-life crisis exist?  I’ve asked the same question about Napolean complex.  I’ve had people respond by saying that due to the fact that you’re short; if you act overly aggressive then it’s obviously because of your height.  If an average sized person is overly aggressive, then what is the stem of their aggressiveness and why isn’t it considered a complex?  Does anyone outside of me see the word complex as wrong, as a way of making someone feel worse about who they are?

I’m currently watching an old episode of the Steve Harvey show (from back when I thought Steve Harvey was a respectable person).  In this episode he’s having a “mid-life crisis”.  He’s striving to achieve the goals that he set out for himself when he was a kid.  So apparently, when you strive to achieve your goals after 40 (or younger depending on the judgmental and condescending person that’s using this term) then you’re in a crisis.  I’m assuming that this only applies if it’s not a goal like being president considering the younger president was 42.

It’s no wonder the country struggles with depression and self-acceptance.  Attempting to avoid judgment in society will always leave you feeling bad about yourself.  A friend of mine posted a question on Facebook about women putting on makeup for 30 minutes in the morning.  These are the people striving for social acceptance.  At moments like this I gleefully think about songs like Crooked Smile by J. Cole.  I hope to experience a mid-life crisis every day of my life and make the most of all of my complexes. 

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
― Gautama Buddha

Jeremy Lin

A couple of days ago Floyd Mayweather said that Jeremy Lin is only getting the attention that he's receiving because of his race.  I can't say that I agree.  Lin's popularity stems from the fact that he was given an unlikely opportunity and took advantage of it.  He's like the homeless guy with the great radio voice who was discovered thanks to modern day technology.  Or a contestant on American Idol that has a great voice that no one would have heard under any normal circumstance.  He was at the end of the bench and if the Knicks point guards didn't suck and Melo hadn't gotten injured, he and his talent would still be there.  I think everyone likes to see talent acknowledged.  In part because I think most people do things that go unnoticed or unappreciated every day.  I like Jeremy Lin and his story even though I still don't like the Knicks.

With that being said, I do think that his race increases his popularity.  I don't know why people in such a racially influenced society refuse to recognize the obvious.  I am a big Eminem fan.  One of the reasons is because he's one of the most racially conscience white people in mainstream society.  He recognizes the influence that his race plays in his success.  He doesn't apologize for his race or dislike who he is because of his race.  He's a white person that appreciates black culture.  Would people in Taiwan watch the NBA if Jeremy Lin were black?  Would the NBA be any more popular anywhere outside of the US if Jeremy Lin were black? Absolutely not.

Although I like Lin's story, I don't recognize it as a rags to riches story the way that people tried to twist it.  He went to Harvard University.  I doubt that he was hard up for money or that he had to live on a couch.  That was a choice like an actor that chooses to sacrifice in order to chase their dream.

I personally feel that although its unfortunate many of the role models in the black community are athletes.  Athletic ability is one of the few "positive" stereotypes that are associated with black people.  I quote the word positive because the association doesn't negate the negative stereotypes that come along with it.  Many of our athlete's are represented as ignorant and/or criminal in the media just like our musicians and non-celebrity personas.  At times it feels as though the media wants to strip all dignity from black people.  We can't even be the best at our own stereotypes.  The media highlights the mafia and their constant referral to niggers, rich Columbian drug lords and black street corner hustlers, intimidating Mexican gangs and unorganized black gangs.

Granted that I don't know Mayweather personally, I think this is in part why Floyd Mayweather made his comment even though I don't agree with it.  When a white person is a talented rapper, his talent supersedes all the other great rappers.  When a basketball player shows skill, Ricky Rubio or Jeremy Lin, he's now an all star.  When a boxer has a great record, he is crowned the champion, Pacqiao, even if a black person has a better record.  However, when a black person accomplishes something outside of the box that we are put in, there is usually an examination of their blackness or they are simply not given the credit they deserve.  I like to see a person's talent and hard work be acknowledged regardless of race, but inside and outside of America race does matter.

The IT Factor

I don’t understand IT, but I think everyone recognizes IT’s existence.  To a certain extent, I feel like everyone possesses the IT factor.  IT is what helps us to relate to one another and makes Facebook and Google rich.  You can put your friends into circles, just like you do in real life.  Assuming you have friends to put in circles and that you use the circle method.  I’ve been frustrated lately because I’m not sure why I don’t have the IT factor, but I’m sure that I don’t have IT.

Tebow, the quarterback for the Denver Broncos has IT.  Scalabrini of the Chicago Bulls has IT.  IT is not always based upon something, but there’s something about IT that appeals to everyone.  The most popular guy in school has IT, usually the gothic person doesn’t have IT, but in today’s society anyone can find a group to relate to.  Even people that don’t have IT can find other people that don’t have IT and that becomes IT.  I even know people that have an abundance of IT.

I think about how 2pac says so many things I can relate to.

“Ain’t nothing worse than this cursed as hopeless life”
“I ain’t got no muthafuckin’ friends”
“Fuck the world”
“It’s just me against the world”

All of these things from one of the most popular hip hop artist ever.  Kids still talk about him though he’s been dead for over 15 years.  I guess when you’re able to express yourself on a public stage and you have a voice, those people that are tucked away thinking life sucks have someone that speaks their pain.  I think about all the people that hated high school or middle school.  I never hated any of my experiences.  And yet I still find myself sitting here felling like IT doesn’t matter. 

I can’t help but think about how when people ask me about my siblings and I tell them how many I have; they tell me how big my family is.  I always think, ‘Wow, I do have a big family…who woulda knew.’  My “friends” tell me how great of a friend I am, yet we know the same people and I never get the wedding invitations or the same calls they receive.  Quite frankly, I recognize reality. In reality, many words that people consider descriptive are action words.  You can’t be a smart kid and get in trouble all the time.  If you’re in jail, you’re not a good criminal.  If all of your students fail, you’re not a good teacher.  If you don’t have any friends and no one likes you, you’re not a great friend.  You’re not a great catch if no one wants to catch you.  If you don’t have time for a person, don’t show them affection and don’t reach out to them, you don’t love them.  I’ve heard all of the above and honestly it’s a little insulting.  If I were homeless, you would walk up to tell me how rich I am?

So, now I’m thinking about change.  The thing about change is that there’s no easy way to bring about change and change doesn’t always provide the results you seek.  I keep wondering if it’s something about me that’s I’m just not seeing or understanding, but since I can’t figure out how or what it is I need to change about myself I feel that I only have one other choice:  I must change those things around me.  I would like to just delete all of my memories, like a person with amnesia.  But, then I’m always worried about who I should and should not “erase” and how do you live and enjoy life with no memories?  One way or the other, I have to do something.  Like Michael Jackson’s album, this is IT.

Farewell Fair-weathers

One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.

What goes around comes around.

These are statements we grow up hearing, but I find to be meaningless in reality.  I used to get frustrated by fair-weather friends, but they have become such a commonality throughout my life that I feel like I should be used to it by now.  But I feel that the notion is similar to how I tell people you can't get used to cold weather in Chicago, you can only prepare yourself better for the cold.  I feel like I've done a pretty poor job preparing for fair-weather friends.  I've had the conversation with real friends several times and I've been told that I expect too much from people, but it's only because I expect so much from myself.  Unfortunately I bought into the hype of the statements above.

When I first joined my fraternity, I can recall many times when I would meet other people that valued the bond as much as I did.  They all echoed the same feeling of expecting the bond to be stronger generally amongst at least a majority of members, but they failed to meet expectation.  These people would tend to become inactive members of the fraternity and later be asked why then didn't chose to stay active.

I'd need as many fingers as an octopus with human hands to count the number of times I have been stiffed in a "friendship."  When people visit my city, I drop everything outside of the undroppable to pick them up and drive them around touring my city.  If I'm without transportation, I catch public transportation.  When I visit other friends, the story seems to be unchanged.  I have to drive to meet up with them, IF they have time.  They would meet up with me, BUT...for a million reasons its not possible.  I wonder why I even desire friendship sometimes.  With this in mind, I moved back to Chicago to the comfort of family only to discover that the same is true with family.  I've thought about cleaning the slate and starting anew.  I've deleted the Facebook account and revamped the phone book, but its difficult to delete & forget about your entire history/past.  The older I get the more antisocial I get and the more I understand why people don't like people.


Happy New Year.

Beautiful Girls

What is it about a person that makes you think about that person all the time forever?  Why can't you choose who you do or don't think about constantly?  Why can you make the person you want to think about the person you actually think about?  I guess it's just the cruel nature of life that make you fall for the one person that doesn't fall for you.

This isn't based on a current experience, just a thought.  I remember in high school that there were girls that liked me, but when I recount high school I always tell people about my struggles to find a girlfriend.  I'm not sure if its a matter of beauty or just a lack of a connection.  When I was in high school I started talking to two girls at the same time.  I found them both equally attractive, but one took my heart and the other didn't.  Til this day I can't figure out why/how.  The one I didn't chose, was probably logically the better choice, but I still didn't choose her.  I've seen this dilemma in movies, but it's crazy how much it happens in everyday life.  I hear/see the same issue in every day life and it still doesn't make sense to me.  Why do women want a bad boy knowing that the bad boy can't provider her with the security that she desire?

Why do men in prison have so many more children than men that are trying to better themselves and are on the "correct" path?

Does Absence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?

I hate it when I can’t sleep, especially when I need to wake up early the next morning.

It seems like my mind wonders on forever with no end in sight.  My thoughts tonight led me back about 6 or 7 years to one of my previous relationships.  I remember a conversation that I had with an ex about sex.  It was a crazy conversation, but it doesn’t feel taboo to discuss it in this blog.  Like many of my other thoughts, I feel like this conversation was about sex but applies to life.  We were talking about why she doesn’t try to make sex great every time she does it.  Her argument was that if she tried her best every time then it wouldn’t be special when she did.  I argued that if you apply that concept to school then she would intentionally be a C student so that her parents would appreciate it more when she got an A.  We debated all night and I’m still not sure that there’s a right answer.

I fully understood her perspective because I feel like in order to appreciate good times; you have to have bad times.  I think about how much I agree with that stance and at the same time how much I disagree with it.  I recently commented on a blog (yeah, I’m not sure why either) about a former skinhead that went through a great deal of pain to have his racist tattoos removed.  Although I could understand why people felt like this was a good act I also couldn’t understand how you could applaud a person who used to hate and has decided to stop hating when there are so many that never hated in the first place.  It made me feel like I should have been a worse kid so that when I decided to turn my life around I would get more attention.  Somehow, I don’t think it really works that way for black people in America.  Compare the number of people that know Malcolm X as a hateful racist person to those that know of his view changes later in life.  Then again, he wasn’t a skinhead and didn’t go through a painful procedure to have his tattoos removed.

Alright, back to the title.  Does absence make the heart grow fonder?  I think about the fact that people look forward to the weekend so much.  When people get a vacation they travel or do something to celebrate.  However, when people have all week off because they’re unemployed or retired, they get depressed and feel useless.  When you have a crush on a person you are overwhelmed with love for that person.  Flowers are given, doors opened, constant touching but eventually that gets old or people use the excuse that they got old and things change.  If not for distance or some form of absence, things seem to get harder to appreciate.  It makes me wonder how people do any particular thing for any length of time.  For some reason, this concept is easy to understand based on how and to whom it’s presented.  If you ask anyone about eating the same food every day most people would agree that at some point they get tired of it.  Some people would argue that they could eat pizza every day if its prepared differently, but some would realize that even though they love pizza that would not be as tempting as egg foo young after having pizza for a week straight.  If you apply this concept to anything else then it becomes a great debate.  Personally, I’m tired of restless nights.

Nervous Confidence

I’m still not exactly sure when I got the balls to actually propose.  With my negative-real perspective on life, I always figured that I’d gather the courage to propose later.  Never did I think later would be now.  How do you decide what person you are going to be with for the rest of your life?  Before I did it I think I put life into perspective a little bit.  I feel like moments like this cross our paths all the time, but we never give them as much thought.  For so many men, there is a similar very short lived question that possesses the same or more impact on our lives:  What if she gets pregnant?  For some reason that question doesn’t carry nearly as much weight in terms of decision making, but usually requires a longer commitment .  I’m an analogy thinker and my mind always attempts to make experiences connect.

My latest connection, wrestling and proposing.  I guess to be more general I could just say competition and proposing.  There is a certain feeling that you get right before a competition.  Before I would go into a match, I definitely had confidence in myself, but there was a nervousness that came along with it.
'This guy looks huge, but I’m going to win anyway.'
'This guy looks like he’s never trained before, but what if he catches me slipping.'
I think all the time about the fact that I’m going to be married sooner than later.  I’m very confident that the woman I will be marrying is a wonderful person, but in this case disagreements and lack of self-confidence causes me nervousness.  Am I the husband type?  Growing up I’ve had girls tell me that I’m the relationship type, but I’m not sure that means the same thing.  I also worry about the disagreements.  They happen all the time in every relationship, but do I have the ability to contain my anger and not allow the straw to break the camel’s back (the disagreement to end the relationship)?

With the commonality of major decisions, I figured that I should be used to it.  I could have been scared to choose the wrong college.  Instead of just picking the one I thought was best, I could have continued learning my entire life and never have obtained a degree.  Everyone knows someone like that in terms of relationships, usually someone you refer to as family because they’ve always been there but never actually married into the family.  Maybe that’s why they call it common law.  Or I could have let the decision choose me.  I could have just waited until I got the letter in the mail saying, 'Come to my school and you’ll earn millions more over your lifetime.'*  I feel like people let decisions choose them a lot.  When I think about my mentality in wrestling it helps to relieve some of the anxiety.  Regardless of the match I always worked hard and I very rarely got pinned (never by my count and 3 times by crappy officials).  I’m sure this won’t be an easy match, but I’m confident that I’ll win.

* subject to ambition, socioeconomic status, drive, quality of education, who you know and luck, loans/loan interest not included

NBA Lockout

A few months ago, I had a conversation with a fraternity brother about celebrities/athletes.  He felt like he worked really hard to achieve his engineering degree and athletes shouldn’t make so much more than him.  I partially agreed.  Earlier today, I saw an article in a newspaper that said, “In a time in this country when smart, talented, intelligent people are struggling to make ends meet, faced with actual problems – not fake ones in sports – they’re actually thinking of canceling the season.”  This statement and many other thoughts about professional athletes spurred me to write this blog.  Granted I’m not an professional athlete, I feel that I’m open-minded enough to think about lives & situations outside of my own.

I wonder why athletes are scrutinized so heavily.  I feel as though I already know a possible answer and therefore shouldn’t wonder, so maybe a better question is why are people so short sighted?  Athletes are scrutinized because their salaries are publicized and addressed so often by the media.  Does anyone ever think about the owners’ salaries?  No.  Why?  Because no one really even knows who “the owners” are.  They avoid media coverage and being scrutinized by the public.  I studied a book about society that talks about the perceptions we possess in America.  We perceive rich people as having earned their money and poor people as the opposite.  Apparently this only applies to the non-athlete rich.  I guess in order to be smart, talented, & intelligent you would have to possess the talent to be a professional athlete and turn down the option to make millions.

As I drive through cities and suburbs, I often find myself wondering how hard people in luxurious homes worked to earn their status in society.  I guess they would be the owners of everyday society and accurately so since they own much of the property.  What exactly does a person have to do in order to earn their status?  I figure that not every person living in an above average position is a doctor/lawyer and has paid their dues through schooling.  Does schooling determine effort & worth?  What about the person who inherited wealth & status?  Should that person then be forced to earn their worth or should they be the beneficiaries of their ancestor’s hard work and how fair is that concept?

Although I’m not a professional athlete, I feel that they work hard in order to achieve what they have achieved.  They don't shovel rocks for 8 hours a day, but they practice extensively, every aspect of their lives is criticized & examined, and they perform on a stage regularly for about the same amount of time.  Is the stress they endure and the effort they put forth really that worthless, especially in comparison to the owners of the teams they work for?  They risk their health and well being to entertain millions.  Police officers & soldiers risk their lives everyday at work, so who then should take the financial hit and who is worth the least in society?  I think from the perspective of those who dissect athletes’ worth so much, it definitely shouldn’t be the owners.  Maybe a class in economics or an economist's feedback would do me well.  Regardless, I think people should be more considerate, especially people in the media whose opinions have such great power.