I’m trying to think of a way to make this blog not sound like a suicide letter or a confession of depression and at the same time express my feelings of powerlessness and lack of purpose. I’m sure that after reading that first line many will think that I need God in my life. Although I believe in God, be it because of experiences or upbringing, I feel that the ‘need for God’ expression is a convenient and easy solution to every problem. I can’t help but think about the movie The Invention of Lying. God is a great way to give a sense of purpose and a reason to live, to put frustrated minds at ease, to make sense of senseless acts, to lift broken spirits, to heal the loneliness someone may feel, and to explain the inexplicable. After writing this, I’m going to pray in hopes that some of my feelings of hopelessness may become more hopeful.
About 7 years ago, I lost a $100,000 scholarship to pay for my college education. I read the documentation and thought about the acts leading up to this event daily trying to explain what had happened. My mind came to the conclusion that I had been kicked out of the program I was in because the man who ran the program didn’t like me. But, how could it be that simple? How could the course of my life be altered by the opinion of one person? I hoped for an appeal to the decision. I wrote senators, congressmen, aldermen, talked to lawyers, contacted the NAACP. I didn’t know where to go or what to do to get justice. I never felt so powerless in my life. I told myself that life isn’t fair and so I have to accept it and move on.
I couldn’t help, but think about the movie The Net. In that movie a woman had her identity completely altered and was seemingly powerless to change it. Of course, just like in other movies everything was righted in the end, but unfortunately my life has never turned out as good as movies do. Considering my life has not yet ended, maybe someday.
Other thoughts crossed my mind as well. I thought about my nephew being shot in the face and how although I had seen stories of violence on television, nothing could prepare me for the feeling when it hit home. Thoughts about inmates that are found innocent 20 years after being imprisoned came to mind. I thought about the fact that as an inmate convicted of a crime and thrown in jail, you can read and learn as much of the law as you want, but you are powerless to change your situation. If you are able to obtain enough information that you are able to contact someone with power, then you must cross your fingers and hope that THEY are willing to help you in your pursuit of justice. You are still powerless in the situation.
Recently I left the teaching profession and I found out that my name had been put on a DO NOT HIRE list. Like every experience that I have had in the Chicago Public School system, this information was stumbled upon. Coming from a less chaotic system in New York City, it was very hard for me to adjust to a system where all of your professional knowledge was based on hearsay. In New York City, if you asked me about my contractual duties, I could access them via the Internet and we could read them together. In Chicago, if you asked me the same question, I would assume that they were similar to New York City’s obligations and recite anything different as something that I heard from coworkers. Union meetings in NYC were informative and frequent. In Chicago I found out that I had a union delegate at the end of my first year of teaching. It was very shocking to me to find out that I had be put on this list without some prior warning or any sign that I had not performed my duties at my previous school. Luckily my teacher’s union in Chicago contacted me and let me know that I was on this list. Oops, I meant a coworker told me that the list existed and that I should check to see if I was on it. Yet again, I feel powerless to make any change is such a just nation. Who should I contact to help me bring about justice? A lawyer that I can’t afford or a union that collected mandatory fees from me and did nothing to support me. Maybe I should write aldermen, congressmen, and senators again to solidify that I have no voice.
I feel like I have been paying taxes, but my children don’t have the right to attend a public school that my taxes go to support. Taxation without representation, isn’t that what we fought England for? I said that I was going to try to be more positive, but obviously I failed miserably. Does it really matter that I fail though? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound? My failures and injustices can continue on forever and all I can do is pray that someone hears me. I’m sure I’m not the only person getting screwed in this wonderful country of ours, so maybe I should just accept that life isn’t fair and move on. Food for thought though, if you were imprisoned for a crime that you didn’t commit, what could you do in this land of the free to change your situation?
"Ain't nothin worse than this cursed ass hopeless life."
- 2pac, Troublesome '96
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Trapped
Not In This District!
This link is a link to the story of a woman that used a false address to get her kids in a better school. I thought that the actual written article would give more detail, but it seems like the written story is just a transcript of the video.
I know that there are 3 sides to every story, so I've been trying to think about this one from a couple of perspectives. Of course, I love analogies so I thought about this one in terms of Internet usage. Everyone puts a password on their wireless service because they don't want someone getting the service they pay for, for free. I feel like that it a similar situation to how rich people don't want the poor to benefit from their higher quality of education. They deserve the best because they can afford the best. However, the confusing part to me is that if you use someone's address, that person is paying taxes. To me that would be like making it illegal to go to a family member or friend's house to use their Internet or making it illegal to go to a swimming pool in your friend or family member's apartment complex.
Another thing that I noticed about this article is that the woman chants, "I think they wanted to make an example out of me. I don't think it was about the money."
Maybe it's just me, but it is about the money! If nothing else, it's about the money. Yes, they are making an example out of you because they don't want their schools infested with children that desire a better education and can't afford it. However, if you had money you wouldn't be going to jail. And private investigators wouldn’t be following your children home. I’m awfully curious as to how private investigators determine which students to follow home. They must stand out in some way.
Perception number two is that this is wrong. Even in perspective number one, I couldn’t understand how this could be right. Does that mean that I really didn’t have another perspective? Probably. Kids that I tried to teach that really wanted to learn but couldn't because of the terrible learning environment came to mind as I watched this story. 2pac’s song Trapped came to mind. Democracy came to mind. The media came to mind. Powerless came to mind. The fact that if you Google search Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel’s name shows up 11 times and Richard Daley’s name shows up 7 times, but the election hasn’t taken place yet comes to mind. It’s a good thing that people believe in the American Dream because if they didn’t believe in it, it probably wouldn’t exist.
This link is a link to the story of a woman that used a false address to get her kids in a better school. I thought that the actual written article would give more detail, but it seems like the written story is just a transcript of the video.
I know that there are 3 sides to every story, so I've been trying to think about this one from a couple of perspectives. Of course, I love analogies so I thought about this one in terms of Internet usage. Everyone puts a password on their wireless service because they don't want someone getting the service they pay for, for free. I feel like that it a similar situation to how rich people don't want the poor to benefit from their higher quality of education. They deserve the best because they can afford the best. However, the confusing part to me is that if you use someone's address, that person is paying taxes. To me that would be like making it illegal to go to a family member or friend's house to use their Internet or making it illegal to go to a swimming pool in your friend or family member's apartment complex.
Another thing that I noticed about this article is that the woman chants, "I think they wanted to make an example out of me. I don't think it was about the money."
Maybe it's just me, but it is about the money! If nothing else, it's about the money. Yes, they are making an example out of you because they don't want their schools infested with children that desire a better education and can't afford it. However, if you had money you wouldn't be going to jail. And private investigators wouldn’t be following your children home. I’m awfully curious as to how private investigators determine which students to follow home. They must stand out in some way.
Perception number two is that this is wrong. Even in perspective number one, I couldn’t understand how this could be right. Does that mean that I really didn’t have another perspective? Probably. Kids that I tried to teach that really wanted to learn but couldn't because of the terrible learning environment came to mind as I watched this story. 2pac’s song Trapped came to mind. Democracy came to mind. The media came to mind. Powerless came to mind. The fact that if you Google search Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel’s name shows up 11 times and Richard Daley’s name shows up 7 times, but the election hasn’t taken place yet comes to mind. It’s a good thing that people believe in the American Dream because if they didn’t believe in it, it probably wouldn’t exist.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Fear
For 5 years, I taught in inner city schools trying to convince students that they could do what they felt was impossible. It was my job to convince students that felt like they were so far behind academically (and at times their feelings were accurate) to stay in the classroom and try their best. Some of the students couldn’t be convinced and refused to face possible failure. In my mind it didn’t make sense; they didn’t have any other option. Fly or die, sink or swim, there really is no other option. However, the idea of failure without trying wasn’t as hurtful as trying and then failing. I’ve heard similar examples; they all seem to be one of those easier said than done types of proposals.
In my quest to change careers I find myself sitting in my own class, trying to convince myself not to fear failure. I thought that it would be much easier than this to change careers. Every job gives you on the job training, doesn’t it? Doesn’t every class teach you before they test you? Now I find myself pursuing the one career that tests you before the job. I’m running through the Internet like a chicken with my head cut off trying to research the skills that I need to master for the test (the interview) & they change with every opening position.
I’m tempted to change my goal and look at a different profession and start at the bottom and work my way up. However, I’m afraid that I’ll be aiming for something easy that won’t challenge me and will eventually become boring for me, then I’ll be right back at one. I think to myself, is it reasonable to tell an 9th grader that struggles with multiplication that they can still become a math major in college? Is it reasonable as a 45 year old Alderman to still have dreams of becoming the President? How late is too late? I’ve heard that it’s never too late, but is that really true? I’m in a situation where I want to aim high, but I don’t want to set an unreasonable goal. In Men In Black, J reminds K of the old saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. J responds by saying try it. I would say the same applies to trying and failing. In theory it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.
In my quest to change careers I find myself sitting in my own class, trying to convince myself not to fear failure. I thought that it would be much easier than this to change careers. Every job gives you on the job training, doesn’t it? Doesn’t every class teach you before they test you? Now I find myself pursuing the one career that tests you before the job. I’m running through the Internet like a chicken with my head cut off trying to research the skills that I need to master for the test (the interview) & they change with every opening position.
I’m tempted to change my goal and look at a different profession and start at the bottom and work my way up. However, I’m afraid that I’ll be aiming for something easy that won’t challenge me and will eventually become boring for me, then I’ll be right back at one. I think to myself, is it reasonable to tell an 9th grader that struggles with multiplication that they can still become a math major in college? Is it reasonable as a 45 year old Alderman to still have dreams of becoming the President? How late is too late? I’ve heard that it’s never too late, but is that really true? I’m in a situation where I want to aim high, but I don’t want to set an unreasonable goal. In Men In Black, J reminds K of the old saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. J responds by saying try it. I would say the same applies to trying and failing. In theory it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thank You Mr. Crab
So, I've been unemployed for a while now and trying to find my way. Along with my unemployment came feelings of being unaccomplished and frustration. I felt like I was 18 all over again. Thoughts of going to the military to gain some skills and make myself more marketable. Thoughts of going to college again. Feeling like I wasted years of my life in education now that I'm going in a different direction.
My mother reunited with an old friend and bragged about his connections/network. He had me call some people for what I assumed to be guidance and support. I spoke with two of them. One was a younger guy around my age that was very encouraging. The other seems to be older and possibly more accomplished. The older one had a no nonsense approached and ended up advising me, "cut the hair, cut the crap."
Maybe I was foolish enough to believe that the world wasn't so caught up in being clean cut. I guess I saw that episode of Living Single when Kyle refused to cut his hair and made the mistake of thinking that was based on reality. My conversations through email got more intense with this older guy and eventually ended up in me exploding and telling him what I thought about him. To me he was another example of a black man that excels and instead of helping uplift others kicks them while they're down. Luckily I had the privilege of communicating with this guy.
I remember writing a poem called ex-girlfriend. The last line of the poem was the deepest to me. It said, "A young black man trying to survive in this world, who woulda thought that his poison would be a young black girl."
I know that I'm still young, but reflecting on that line now, I can see how young I truly was when I wrote that statement. I had heard the stories about black people being like crabs in the barrel, pulling each other down. The more I experience life, the more I am revealed to the truth in that story. As militant and pro black as I feel inside, it goes against all of the logic that I should have obtained from my experiences. Black people have always been more detrimental to me in life and yet I constantly speak of racism and bias from white people. Is there something wrong with me?
My mother reunited with an old friend and bragged about his connections/network. He had me call some people for what I assumed to be guidance and support. I spoke with two of them. One was a younger guy around my age that was very encouraging. The other seems to be older and possibly more accomplished. The older one had a no nonsense approached and ended up advising me, "cut the hair, cut the crap."
Maybe I was foolish enough to believe that the world wasn't so caught up in being clean cut. I guess I saw that episode of Living Single when Kyle refused to cut his hair and made the mistake of thinking that was based on reality. My conversations through email got more intense with this older guy and eventually ended up in me exploding and telling him what I thought about him. To me he was another example of a black man that excels and instead of helping uplift others kicks them while they're down. Luckily I had the privilege of communicating with this guy.
I remember writing a poem called ex-girlfriend. The last line of the poem was the deepest to me. It said, "A young black man trying to survive in this world, who woulda thought that his poison would be a young black girl."
I know that I'm still young, but reflecting on that line now, I can see how young I truly was when I wrote that statement. I had heard the stories about black people being like crabs in the barrel, pulling each other down. The more I experience life, the more I am revealed to the truth in that story. As militant and pro black as I feel inside, it goes against all of the logic that I should have obtained from my experiences. Black people have always been more detrimental to me in life and yet I constantly speak of racism and bias from white people. Is there something wrong with me?
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Love vs In Love
Today I was listening to Steve Harvey on the radio. I stopped listening to Steve Harvey a while back because I didn't like his all about women kiss ass technique of giving advice. But, when I chime in on an seemingly interesting conversation on the radio, I usually stop to hear the debate. He was advising a woman that when a man says he loves you but is not in love with you it really means he can live without you.
To me it is annoying when people compare love with in love. I honestly thought these were terms made up by women to continue to make it difficult to communicate with others. I guess that if you are in love with someone it means, you currently love them and if you love someone it means that you loved them at some point, but you don't love them the same anymore. Instead of saying, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, why don't people just say I loved you or I don't love you anymore??
I tried to relate to this idea by thinking about an ex girlfriend. If she were to ask me if I love her, I'd say no. Did I ever love her at some point, yes, but do I currently love her, no. I wouldn't use in love or love to describe the way I feel about her. If you are no longer "in love" with someone, that simply means you don't love them. Maybe you still care for them but why use the term love to describe what you don't currently feel? Seems misleading to me.
Maybe some feel that love is supposed to be unconditional, so if you ever loved someone you will always love them. I doubt this is the case, but if it is most people don't love unconditionally. We usually love the other person under the condition that they still love us. I guess I'm weird in believing that love is love. When I tell someone I love them it means, that I care for them on a deep level, the deepest level that a word could express. That applies to everyone that I tell that to. My love for two people may be different, but the meaning of love stays the same. To say you love someone, but are not in love with them is just a way to confuse someone into believing that your feeling are deeper that what they truly are. Simply put it's just a way to be deceitful.
To me it is annoying when people compare love with in love. I honestly thought these were terms made up by women to continue to make it difficult to communicate with others. I guess that if you are in love with someone it means, you currently love them and if you love someone it means that you loved them at some point, but you don't love them the same anymore. Instead of saying, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, why don't people just say I loved you or I don't love you anymore??
I tried to relate to this idea by thinking about an ex girlfriend. If she were to ask me if I love her, I'd say no. Did I ever love her at some point, yes, but do I currently love her, no. I wouldn't use in love or love to describe the way I feel about her. If you are no longer "in love" with someone, that simply means you don't love them. Maybe you still care for them but why use the term love to describe what you don't currently feel? Seems misleading to me.
Maybe some feel that love is supposed to be unconditional, so if you ever loved someone you will always love them. I doubt this is the case, but if it is most people don't love unconditionally. We usually love the other person under the condition that they still love us. I guess I'm weird in believing that love is love. When I tell someone I love them it means, that I care for them on a deep level, the deepest level that a word could express. That applies to everyone that I tell that to. My love for two people may be different, but the meaning of love stays the same. To say you love someone, but are not in love with them is just a way to confuse someone into believing that your feeling are deeper that what they truly are. Simply put it's just a way to be deceitful.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
New Quote
"Those who want everything get nothing because they aren't satisfied with something."
I guess life inspired this quote. I love quotes and old sayings because I find them useful and very insightful. Whenever I come up with something, I'm worried that it was just something that I heard somewhere and its not really something original. I love this quote though. It applies to multiple situations and I feel that it is true more often than not, especially in my experiences.
While I'm writing right now, I am reflecting on a time when this quote was very applicable. College. I remember hearing about high rates of unemployed college graduates while I was in school and it didn't come as a surprise to me. Although, I didn't know a lot of unemployed college graduates in my mind, it just made sense. I imagined people that graduated college and thought that the struggle was over. After graduating they expected employers to knock at their doors to recognize their accomplishments. When employers didn't knock down their doors, they went looking with extremely high expectations. When they didn't find that 100K+ position willing to hire them, they wouldn't settle and decided that unemployment would be better. Again, I didn't know many, but in my mind this is how it worked out. Those who want everything get nothing because they aren't satisfied with something.
That word settle bothers me. I remember watching a broadcast about why there are so many single black women. Although, I recognize the lack of "suitable" black male counterparts for black women in our society, this triggered more thinking. Women love to talk about how they are not willing to settle, but I think that more often than not their lists of requirements are unreasonable. At age 21 when women are sought out by a majority of men suitable and unsuitable that list contains 30 requirements (give or take 30 requirements based on how beautiful society at large considers that woman). When that woman approaches 30, whether beautiful or not, the list has lost a minimum of 15 requirements. For some reason, the 30 year old woman doesn't consider her lack of requirements settling anymore. She thinks back to the men that possessed 19 of her 30 requirements that she wouldn't give the time of day back then. Now that she would consider talking to him, for some reason he's not as passionate about her. Is this the wisdom that only comes with age? Those who want everything get nothing because they aren't satisfied with something.
I consider myself a jack of all trades type of person. I still feel that I can do anything I put my mind to. I wonder to myself, 'Why am I paying someone else for this when I can do it myself?' After all if he/she can do it, why can’t I? Taxes, car repairs, providing information, etc. But then reality hits me and I realize that there is no way I can learn to do everything. That was when this quote first hit me. I felt that I was the jack of some trades and the master of none. That thought first came to mind when a friend talked to me about moving to Africa. I entertained the idea, but I couldn't imagine moving and not having any skills to contribute to my society. Since quitting the teaching profession, I have struggle with feeling useless. I don't regret my years of teaching because if nothing else it provided me with a wealth of stories and memories. However, since looking for a new career I have realized that I'm 27 years old. Not old by any stretch of the imagination to the unyoung, but when I'm looking at my 27 year old counterparts with multiple children, married, 5 years into their mortgage it makes me feel like I wasted 5 years of my life. A majority of these people have experience in a field that they can teach. Maybe I could have been a teacher teacher if I was a good teacher, but I'm sure I don't have enough experience for that. Now I am seeking to become good if not great at something. I wonder to myself if I haven't gained a skill because I was so busy trying to get all the skills and learn everything. Those who want everything get nothing because they aren't satisfied with something.
I guess life inspired this quote. I love quotes and old sayings because I find them useful and very insightful. Whenever I come up with something, I'm worried that it was just something that I heard somewhere and its not really something original. I love this quote though. It applies to multiple situations and I feel that it is true more often than not, especially in my experiences.
While I'm writing right now, I am reflecting on a time when this quote was very applicable. College. I remember hearing about high rates of unemployed college graduates while I was in school and it didn't come as a surprise to me. Although, I didn't know a lot of unemployed college graduates in my mind, it just made sense. I imagined people that graduated college and thought that the struggle was over. After graduating they expected employers to knock at their doors to recognize their accomplishments. When employers didn't knock down their doors, they went looking with extremely high expectations. When they didn't find that 100K+ position willing to hire them, they wouldn't settle and decided that unemployment would be better. Again, I didn't know many, but in my mind this is how it worked out. Those who want everything get nothing because they aren't satisfied with something.
That word settle bothers me. I remember watching a broadcast about why there are so many single black women. Although, I recognize the lack of "suitable" black male counterparts for black women in our society, this triggered more thinking. Women love to talk about how they are not willing to settle, but I think that more often than not their lists of requirements are unreasonable. At age 21 when women are sought out by a majority of men suitable and unsuitable that list contains 30 requirements (give or take 30 requirements based on how beautiful society at large considers that woman). When that woman approaches 30, whether beautiful or not, the list has lost a minimum of 15 requirements. For some reason, the 30 year old woman doesn't consider her lack of requirements settling anymore. She thinks back to the men that possessed 19 of her 30 requirements that she wouldn't give the time of day back then. Now that she would consider talking to him, for some reason he's not as passionate about her. Is this the wisdom that only comes with age? Those who want everything get nothing because they aren't satisfied with something.
I consider myself a jack of all trades type of person. I still feel that I can do anything I put my mind to. I wonder to myself, 'Why am I paying someone else for this when I can do it myself?' After all if he/she can do it, why can’t I? Taxes, car repairs, providing information, etc. But then reality hits me and I realize that there is no way I can learn to do everything. That was when this quote first hit me. I felt that I was the jack of some trades and the master of none. That thought first came to mind when a friend talked to me about moving to Africa. I entertained the idea, but I couldn't imagine moving and not having any skills to contribute to my society. Since quitting the teaching profession, I have struggle with feeling useless. I don't regret my years of teaching because if nothing else it provided me with a wealth of stories and memories. However, since looking for a new career I have realized that I'm 27 years old. Not old by any stretch of the imagination to the unyoung, but when I'm looking at my 27 year old counterparts with multiple children, married, 5 years into their mortgage it makes me feel like I wasted 5 years of my life. A majority of these people have experience in a field that they can teach. Maybe I could have been a teacher teacher if I was a good teacher, but I'm sure I don't have enough experience for that. Now I am seeking to become good if not great at something. I wonder to myself if I haven't gained a skill because I was so busy trying to get all the skills and learn everything. Those who want everything get nothing because they aren't satisfied with something.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Perception Is Reality
The phrase that I have as my title is on that captured my attention many years ago. I understood this phrase, but I would have a hard time explaining its meaning to others. I feel that a lot of situations can be defined by this idea. When I try to explain it to people, I think they confuse the statement perception is reality with perception is truth.
Whenever I make the statement, I give a situation that I was given to help understand the meaning. A rumor. Tammy is a virgin. Someone starts the rumor that Tammy is a slut and sleeps with everyone. Although the truth is that Tammy is a virgin, everyone is under the believe that Tammy is a slut because of the rumors that they have heard. Those who don't know the truth, only know the rumor and treat Tammy as such. Since everyone believes that Tammy is a slut and Tammy is treated as such, the reality is that Tammy is a slut. The truth is that Tammy is a virgin.
This thought applies to many other situations that I think about on a day to day basis. When I think about the powerful affect of stereotypes and their effects. Whenever I meet someone from a culture outside of my own, its sparks great interest. I'm interested because of my open mindedness and my understanding that although perception is reality, it is not always truth. I want to learn first hand about the individual I'm encountering, their family, and their perspective of their culture. Although, I have already had ideas implanted in my mind prior to meeting them based on the media and previous experiences, I try not to let those experiences cement my ideas on who that person is.
Unfortunately many people are not aware that perception is not always reality. There are plenty of people who believe that all black people are dangerous, violent, criminals. More unfortunate is the idea that perception guides who many become. Although Tammy was a virgin, over time she may feel defeated by the idea that everyone perceives her as a slut and feel that there is no reason to maintain her virginity if it has no value to those perceiving who she is.
Whenever I make the statement, I give a situation that I was given to help understand the meaning. A rumor. Tammy is a virgin. Someone starts the rumor that Tammy is a slut and sleeps with everyone. Although the truth is that Tammy is a virgin, everyone is under the believe that Tammy is a slut because of the rumors that they have heard. Those who don't know the truth, only know the rumor and treat Tammy as such. Since everyone believes that Tammy is a slut and Tammy is treated as such, the reality is that Tammy is a slut. The truth is that Tammy is a virgin.
This thought applies to many other situations that I think about on a day to day basis. When I think about the powerful affect of stereotypes and their effects. Whenever I meet someone from a culture outside of my own, its sparks great interest. I'm interested because of my open mindedness and my understanding that although perception is reality, it is not always truth. I want to learn first hand about the individual I'm encountering, their family, and their perspective of their culture. Although, I have already had ideas implanted in my mind prior to meeting them based on the media and previous experiences, I try not to let those experiences cement my ideas on who that person is.
Unfortunately many people are not aware that perception is not always reality. There are plenty of people who believe that all black people are dangerous, violent, criminals. More unfortunate is the idea that perception guides who many become. Although Tammy was a virgin, over time she may feel defeated by the idea that everyone perceives her as a slut and feel that there is no reason to maintain her virginity if it has no value to those perceiving who she is.
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