In an attempt to change my perspective on things and start being so negative, I've been trying to remind myself to think more positive things when writing my blogs. I don't think I've been very successful. Even when I am able to come up with positive thought, they seem to lead to negative ones. This time I'm going to attempt to block out the negative and accentuate the positive. Let me know if it working.
I was put on a DO NOT HIRE list when I was released from teaching last year. I luckily found out about this list that is distributed amongst Chicago Public Schools citywide through hearsay, such has been my career since moving to Chicago. I've never received an unsatisfactory rating and couldn't figure out why my name was on this list. So, I decided to fight it. I called union reps out here and I've been working with them to have my name removed. However I'm questioning whether or not I should get a lawyer and sue. My name being put on this list to me is defamation of character. It says that I was unable to do my job. I relate it to being put on a list published for parents stating that you're a pedophile. Maybe an honest mistake, but a damaging one. Although I don't want to teach anymore, I feel that this has damaged my reputation as a teacher.
I mention this to lead into my excitement for the program I have been accepted into. When speaking with the union member, I was told that I should apply for jobs for which I'm certified anyway. I didn't want to tell him that I no longer wanted to teach because I wanted him to address getting my name off of the list as though I did. So of course I didn't tell him that I got accepted into a program for career changers. Since the program has started, I have been enjoying meeting new people that are pursing similar careers. It reminds me of the teaching program that I joined, but to me that experience was once in a lifetime. I really enjoy meeting and learning about new people.
Today, I got a call from a credit card company about an overdue payment. I had set up bill pay with my bank to pay off the balance of the card. When I initially signed up for the card the promotion was no interest for 12 months. So, I must have miscalculated the number of automatic payments that needed to be made. You can never been to careful when it comes to credit cards and debt. Anyway that you can be screwed, you will be screwed. Since my final payment was late, I was charged the interest for the entire year. Originally, I was very upset. I was ready to hang up on the woman I spoke with and I was very rude & obnoxious. After about 10 minutes, I realized that this woman wasn't at fault for my error. Although I feel like the penalty didn't fit the crime, she wasn't the judge and I was killing the messenger. Now I see why people hate those types of jobs. I calmed down and apologized. It didn't make me feel any better, but somehow I feel like it was the right thing to do. On a positive note, the speeding ticket that I need to pay off was less than that year of interest and hopefully I will have a job soon so I can pay off state income taxes. Go Bulls.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Express Yourself
More than likely if you're reading this blog, we know each other really well. Since I'm not a celebrity and this blog isn't the most politically correct, no one other than a close friend/family member would be interested in this blog. It's been about a month since my last entry and I'm thinking about my desire to express myself in different art forms. Currently the best form of expression I have outside of debate is poetry and writing. I would like to post some of my poetry on this blog, but I'd rather create a fly website that displays my work appropriately.
People like to express themselves in many different ways. Some people like to express their distinctiveness through piercings and tattoos, some through rallies and petitions, some through music or art. However, many people like to express themselves through style/clothing. So, when a close friend of mine told me about his idea to create expressive clothing it peaked my interest. The end result was far better than I had imagined. He has a website up with a nice selection worth looking through and a few must have shirts for me. The commercial is hot too. The name of the company is Raw Cotton, click on the link below to check it out.
Raw Cotton
People like to express themselves in many different ways. Some people like to express their distinctiveness through piercings and tattoos, some through rallies and petitions, some through music or art. However, many people like to express themselves through style/clothing. So, when a close friend of mine told me about his idea to create expressive clothing it peaked my interest. The end result was far better than I had imagined. He has a website up with a nice selection worth looking through and a few must have shirts for me. The commercial is hot too. The name of the company is Raw Cotton, click on the link below to check it out.
Raw Cotton
Thursday, March 17, 2011
School For Slaves
Today was a really frustrating day for me. One of my better students stayed after school to make up a test. She’ll be the first to tell you that she cares about her grade. She took my hour long test in 5-10 minutes, then announced that she didn’t know how to do any of the other problems. I gave her a study guide with the exact same information on it 2 days before giving her the test. I asked her about her interests. She said she liked basketball. I asked her if she was good and she said yes. I asked her if she was good from the day she walked on the court and she said no, her brother taught her how to play. I responded, “Okay, how long did that take, about 15 – 20 minutes?”
Student: “Naw, it took days.”
Me: “You mean to tell me you had to practice?”
Student: “Yea.”
Me: “So what makes you think it would be any different with math? You have to study if you really want to be good at it.”
Student: Silence.
Me: “Did you study for this test?”
Student: “No, I don’t ever study. I haven’t ever studied before.”
Me: “Okay, this is what I’m going to do. Have a seat and I’m going to study this information with you and let you retake this test.”
Student: “Well just give me a zero, I’m not gone study.”
…
…
I was so stunned. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I took her test and I’m going to grade it in a few minutes, but it broke my heart. She may as well had told me that she doesn’t give a fuck about school or the fact that I’m breaking my neck to teach her. I know that she’s not the only student that feels like that either. I think there is one in every classroom across America. The real problem is that there is far more than one in inner city school classrooms. In many cases, the majority of kids feel like that.
Why would I want to get paid for nothing? If students aren’t learning, I can’t be teaching, so in essence, I’m getting paid for nothing.
I can’t be a teacher because I care too much. People judge teachers, for not caring about the kids, but if you care too much it will drive you insane. You can’t do this job and not be depressed by the lack of effort or caring. Slavery exists. The plantation has a new name, it’s called the ghetto. If honesty is the best policy, why do we judge teachers for not caring and not parents? When a teacher writes an article about how fucked up the education system is, her job is put on the line. We don’t address problems in our society, we ignore them. Now let’s talk about why other countries have a better education system than ours.
Student: “Naw, it took days.”
Me: “You mean to tell me you had to practice?”
Student: “Yea.”
Me: “So what makes you think it would be any different with math? You have to study if you really want to be good at it.”
Student: Silence.
Me: “Did you study for this test?”
Student: “No, I don’t ever study. I haven’t ever studied before.”
Me: “Okay, this is what I’m going to do. Have a seat and I’m going to study this information with you and let you retake this test.”
Student: “Well just give me a zero, I’m not gone study.”
…
…
I was so stunned. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I took her test and I’m going to grade it in a few minutes, but it broke my heart. She may as well had told me that she doesn’t give a fuck about school or the fact that I’m breaking my neck to teach her. I know that she’s not the only student that feels like that either. I think there is one in every classroom across America. The real problem is that there is far more than one in inner city school classrooms. In many cases, the majority of kids feel like that.
Why would I want to get paid for nothing? If students aren’t learning, I can’t be teaching, so in essence, I’m getting paid for nothing.
I can’t be a teacher because I care too much. People judge teachers, for not caring about the kids, but if you care too much it will drive you insane. You can’t do this job and not be depressed by the lack of effort or caring. Slavery exists. The plantation has a new name, it’s called the ghetto. If honesty is the best policy, why do we judge teachers for not caring and not parents? When a teacher writes an article about how fucked up the education system is, her job is put on the line. We don’t address problems in our society, we ignore them. Now let’s talk about why other countries have a better education system than ours.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Hopeless
I’m trying to think of a way to make this blog not sound like a suicide letter or a confession of depression and at the same time express my feelings of powerlessness and lack of purpose. I’m sure that after reading that first line many will think that I need God in my life. Although I believe in God, be it because of experiences or upbringing, I feel that the ‘need for God’ expression is a convenient and easy solution to every problem. I can’t help but think about the movie The Invention of Lying. God is a great way to give a sense of purpose and a reason to live, to put frustrated minds at ease, to make sense of senseless acts, to lift broken spirits, to heal the loneliness someone may feel, and to explain the inexplicable. After writing this, I’m going to pray in hopes that some of my feelings of hopelessness may become more hopeful.
About 7 years ago, I lost a $100,000 scholarship to pay for my college education. I read the documentation and thought about the acts leading up to this event daily trying to explain what had happened. My mind came to the conclusion that I had been kicked out of the program I was in because the man who ran the program didn’t like me. But, how could it be that simple? How could the course of my life be altered by the opinion of one person? I hoped for an appeal to the decision. I wrote senators, congressmen, aldermen, talked to lawyers, contacted the NAACP. I didn’t know where to go or what to do to get justice. I never felt so powerless in my life. I told myself that life isn’t fair and so I have to accept it and move on.
I couldn’t help, but think about the movie The Net. In that movie a woman had her identity completely altered and was seemingly powerless to change it. Of course, just like in other movies everything was righted in the end, but unfortunately my life has never turned out as good as movies do. Considering my life has not yet ended, maybe someday.
Other thoughts crossed my mind as well. I thought about my nephew being shot in the face and how although I had seen stories of violence on television, nothing could prepare me for the feeling when it hit home. Thoughts about inmates that are found innocent 20 years after being imprisoned came to mind. I thought about the fact that as an inmate convicted of a crime and thrown in jail, you can read and learn as much of the law as you want, but you are powerless to change your situation. If you are able to obtain enough information that you are able to contact someone with power, then you must cross your fingers and hope that THEY are willing to help you in your pursuit of justice. You are still powerless in the situation.
Recently I left the teaching profession and I found out that my name had been put on a DO NOT HIRE list. Like every experience that I have had in the Chicago Public School system, this information was stumbled upon. Coming from a less chaotic system in New York City, it was very hard for me to adjust to a system where all of your professional knowledge was based on hearsay. In New York City, if you asked me about my contractual duties, I could access them via the Internet and we could read them together. In Chicago, if you asked me the same question, I would assume that they were similar to New York City’s obligations and recite anything different as something that I heard from coworkers. Union meetings in NYC were informative and frequent. In Chicago I found out that I had a union delegate at the end of my first year of teaching. It was very shocking to me to find out that I had be put on this list without some prior warning or any sign that I had not performed my duties at my previous school. Luckily my teacher’s union in Chicago contacted me and let me know that I was on this list. Oops, I meant a coworker told me that the list existed and that I should check to see if I was on it. Yet again, I feel powerless to make any change is such a just nation. Who should I contact to help me bring about justice? A lawyer that I can’t afford or a union that collected mandatory fees from me and did nothing to support me. Maybe I should write aldermen, congressmen, and senators again to solidify that I have no voice.
I feel like I have been paying taxes, but my children don’t have the right to attend a public school that my taxes go to support. Taxation without representation, isn’t that what we fought England for? I said that I was going to try to be more positive, but obviously I failed miserably. Does it really matter that I fail though? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound? My failures and injustices can continue on forever and all I can do is pray that someone hears me. I’m sure I’m not the only person getting screwed in this wonderful country of ours, so maybe I should just accept that life isn’t fair and move on. Food for thought though, if you were imprisoned for a crime that you didn’t commit, what could you do in this land of the free to change your situation?
"Ain't nothin worse than this cursed ass hopeless life."
- 2pac, Troublesome '96
About 7 years ago, I lost a $100,000 scholarship to pay for my college education. I read the documentation and thought about the acts leading up to this event daily trying to explain what had happened. My mind came to the conclusion that I had been kicked out of the program I was in because the man who ran the program didn’t like me. But, how could it be that simple? How could the course of my life be altered by the opinion of one person? I hoped for an appeal to the decision. I wrote senators, congressmen, aldermen, talked to lawyers, contacted the NAACP. I didn’t know where to go or what to do to get justice. I never felt so powerless in my life. I told myself that life isn’t fair and so I have to accept it and move on.
I couldn’t help, but think about the movie The Net. In that movie a woman had her identity completely altered and was seemingly powerless to change it. Of course, just like in other movies everything was righted in the end, but unfortunately my life has never turned out as good as movies do. Considering my life has not yet ended, maybe someday.
Other thoughts crossed my mind as well. I thought about my nephew being shot in the face and how although I had seen stories of violence on television, nothing could prepare me for the feeling when it hit home. Thoughts about inmates that are found innocent 20 years after being imprisoned came to mind. I thought about the fact that as an inmate convicted of a crime and thrown in jail, you can read and learn as much of the law as you want, but you are powerless to change your situation. If you are able to obtain enough information that you are able to contact someone with power, then you must cross your fingers and hope that THEY are willing to help you in your pursuit of justice. You are still powerless in the situation.
Recently I left the teaching profession and I found out that my name had been put on a DO NOT HIRE list. Like every experience that I have had in the Chicago Public School system, this information was stumbled upon. Coming from a less chaotic system in New York City, it was very hard for me to adjust to a system where all of your professional knowledge was based on hearsay. In New York City, if you asked me about my contractual duties, I could access them via the Internet and we could read them together. In Chicago, if you asked me the same question, I would assume that they were similar to New York City’s obligations and recite anything different as something that I heard from coworkers. Union meetings in NYC were informative and frequent. In Chicago I found out that I had a union delegate at the end of my first year of teaching. It was very shocking to me to find out that I had be put on this list without some prior warning or any sign that I had not performed my duties at my previous school. Luckily my teacher’s union in Chicago contacted me and let me know that I was on this list. Oops, I meant a coworker told me that the list existed and that I should check to see if I was on it. Yet again, I feel powerless to make any change is such a just nation. Who should I contact to help me bring about justice? A lawyer that I can’t afford or a union that collected mandatory fees from me and did nothing to support me. Maybe I should write aldermen, congressmen, and senators again to solidify that I have no voice.
I feel like I have been paying taxes, but my children don’t have the right to attend a public school that my taxes go to support. Taxation without representation, isn’t that what we fought England for? I said that I was going to try to be more positive, but obviously I failed miserably. Does it really matter that I fail though? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound? My failures and injustices can continue on forever and all I can do is pray that someone hears me. I’m sure I’m not the only person getting screwed in this wonderful country of ours, so maybe I should just accept that life isn’t fair and move on. Food for thought though, if you were imprisoned for a crime that you didn’t commit, what could you do in this land of the free to change your situation?
"Ain't nothin worse than this cursed ass hopeless life."
- 2pac, Troublesome '96
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Trapped
Not In This District!
This link is a link to the story of a woman that used a false address to get her kids in a better school. I thought that the actual written article would give more detail, but it seems like the written story is just a transcript of the video.
I know that there are 3 sides to every story, so I've been trying to think about this one from a couple of perspectives. Of course, I love analogies so I thought about this one in terms of Internet usage. Everyone puts a password on their wireless service because they don't want someone getting the service they pay for, for free. I feel like that it a similar situation to how rich people don't want the poor to benefit from their higher quality of education. They deserve the best because they can afford the best. However, the confusing part to me is that if you use someone's address, that person is paying taxes. To me that would be like making it illegal to go to a family member or friend's house to use their Internet or making it illegal to go to a swimming pool in your friend or family member's apartment complex.
Another thing that I noticed about this article is that the woman chants, "I think they wanted to make an example out of me. I don't think it was about the money."
Maybe it's just me, but it is about the money! If nothing else, it's about the money. Yes, they are making an example out of you because they don't want their schools infested with children that desire a better education and can't afford it. However, if you had money you wouldn't be going to jail. And private investigators wouldn’t be following your children home. I’m awfully curious as to how private investigators determine which students to follow home. They must stand out in some way.
Perception number two is that this is wrong. Even in perspective number one, I couldn’t understand how this could be right. Does that mean that I really didn’t have another perspective? Probably. Kids that I tried to teach that really wanted to learn but couldn't because of the terrible learning environment came to mind as I watched this story. 2pac’s song Trapped came to mind. Democracy came to mind. The media came to mind. Powerless came to mind. The fact that if you Google search Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel’s name shows up 11 times and Richard Daley’s name shows up 7 times, but the election hasn’t taken place yet comes to mind. It’s a good thing that people believe in the American Dream because if they didn’t believe in it, it probably wouldn’t exist.
This link is a link to the story of a woman that used a false address to get her kids in a better school. I thought that the actual written article would give more detail, but it seems like the written story is just a transcript of the video.
I know that there are 3 sides to every story, so I've been trying to think about this one from a couple of perspectives. Of course, I love analogies so I thought about this one in terms of Internet usage. Everyone puts a password on their wireless service because they don't want someone getting the service they pay for, for free. I feel like that it a similar situation to how rich people don't want the poor to benefit from their higher quality of education. They deserve the best because they can afford the best. However, the confusing part to me is that if you use someone's address, that person is paying taxes. To me that would be like making it illegal to go to a family member or friend's house to use their Internet or making it illegal to go to a swimming pool in your friend or family member's apartment complex.
Another thing that I noticed about this article is that the woman chants, "I think they wanted to make an example out of me. I don't think it was about the money."
Maybe it's just me, but it is about the money! If nothing else, it's about the money. Yes, they are making an example out of you because they don't want their schools infested with children that desire a better education and can't afford it. However, if you had money you wouldn't be going to jail. And private investigators wouldn’t be following your children home. I’m awfully curious as to how private investigators determine which students to follow home. They must stand out in some way.
Perception number two is that this is wrong. Even in perspective number one, I couldn’t understand how this could be right. Does that mean that I really didn’t have another perspective? Probably. Kids that I tried to teach that really wanted to learn but couldn't because of the terrible learning environment came to mind as I watched this story. 2pac’s song Trapped came to mind. Democracy came to mind. The media came to mind. Powerless came to mind. The fact that if you Google search Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel’s name shows up 11 times and Richard Daley’s name shows up 7 times, but the election hasn’t taken place yet comes to mind. It’s a good thing that people believe in the American Dream because if they didn’t believe in it, it probably wouldn’t exist.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Fear
For 5 years, I taught in inner city schools trying to convince students that they could do what they felt was impossible. It was my job to convince students that felt like they were so far behind academically (and at times their feelings were accurate) to stay in the classroom and try their best. Some of the students couldn’t be convinced and refused to face possible failure. In my mind it didn’t make sense; they didn’t have any other option. Fly or die, sink or swim, there really is no other option. However, the idea of failure without trying wasn’t as hurtful as trying and then failing. I’ve heard similar examples; they all seem to be one of those easier said than done types of proposals.
In my quest to change careers I find myself sitting in my own class, trying to convince myself not to fear failure. I thought that it would be much easier than this to change careers. Every job gives you on the job training, doesn’t it? Doesn’t every class teach you before they test you? Now I find myself pursuing the one career that tests you before the job. I’m running through the Internet like a chicken with my head cut off trying to research the skills that I need to master for the test (the interview) & they change with every opening position.
I’m tempted to change my goal and look at a different profession and start at the bottom and work my way up. However, I’m afraid that I’ll be aiming for something easy that won’t challenge me and will eventually become boring for me, then I’ll be right back at one. I think to myself, is it reasonable to tell an 9th grader that struggles with multiplication that they can still become a math major in college? Is it reasonable as a 45 year old Alderman to still have dreams of becoming the President? How late is too late? I’ve heard that it’s never too late, but is that really true? I’m in a situation where I want to aim high, but I don’t want to set an unreasonable goal. In Men In Black, J reminds K of the old saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. J responds by saying try it. I would say the same applies to trying and failing. In theory it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.
In my quest to change careers I find myself sitting in my own class, trying to convince myself not to fear failure. I thought that it would be much easier than this to change careers. Every job gives you on the job training, doesn’t it? Doesn’t every class teach you before they test you? Now I find myself pursuing the one career that tests you before the job. I’m running through the Internet like a chicken with my head cut off trying to research the skills that I need to master for the test (the interview) & they change with every opening position.
I’m tempted to change my goal and look at a different profession and start at the bottom and work my way up. However, I’m afraid that I’ll be aiming for something easy that won’t challenge me and will eventually become boring for me, then I’ll be right back at one. I think to myself, is it reasonable to tell an 9th grader that struggles with multiplication that they can still become a math major in college? Is it reasonable as a 45 year old Alderman to still have dreams of becoming the President? How late is too late? I’ve heard that it’s never too late, but is that really true? I’m in a situation where I want to aim high, but I don’t want to set an unreasonable goal. In Men In Black, J reminds K of the old saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. J responds by saying try it. I would say the same applies to trying and failing. In theory it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thank You Mr. Crab
So, I've been unemployed for a while now and trying to find my way. Along with my unemployment came feelings of being unaccomplished and frustration. I felt like I was 18 all over again. Thoughts of going to the military to gain some skills and make myself more marketable. Thoughts of going to college again. Feeling like I wasted years of my life in education now that I'm going in a different direction.
My mother reunited with an old friend and bragged about his connections/network. He had me call some people for what I assumed to be guidance and support. I spoke with two of them. One was a younger guy around my age that was very encouraging. The other seems to be older and possibly more accomplished. The older one had a no nonsense approached and ended up advising me, "cut the hair, cut the crap."
Maybe I was foolish enough to believe that the world wasn't so caught up in being clean cut. I guess I saw that episode of Living Single when Kyle refused to cut his hair and made the mistake of thinking that was based on reality. My conversations through email got more intense with this older guy and eventually ended up in me exploding and telling him what I thought about him. To me he was another example of a black man that excels and instead of helping uplift others kicks them while they're down. Luckily I had the privilege of communicating with this guy.
I remember writing a poem called ex-girlfriend. The last line of the poem was the deepest to me. It said, "A young black man trying to survive in this world, who woulda thought that his poison would be a young black girl."
I know that I'm still young, but reflecting on that line now, I can see how young I truly was when I wrote that statement. I had heard the stories about black people being like crabs in the barrel, pulling each other down. The more I experience life, the more I am revealed to the truth in that story. As militant and pro black as I feel inside, it goes against all of the logic that I should have obtained from my experiences. Black people have always been more detrimental to me in life and yet I constantly speak of racism and bias from white people. Is there something wrong with me?
My mother reunited with an old friend and bragged about his connections/network. He had me call some people for what I assumed to be guidance and support. I spoke with two of them. One was a younger guy around my age that was very encouraging. The other seems to be older and possibly more accomplished. The older one had a no nonsense approached and ended up advising me, "cut the hair, cut the crap."
Maybe I was foolish enough to believe that the world wasn't so caught up in being clean cut. I guess I saw that episode of Living Single when Kyle refused to cut his hair and made the mistake of thinking that was based on reality. My conversations through email got more intense with this older guy and eventually ended up in me exploding and telling him what I thought about him. To me he was another example of a black man that excels and instead of helping uplift others kicks them while they're down. Luckily I had the privilege of communicating with this guy.
I remember writing a poem called ex-girlfriend. The last line of the poem was the deepest to me. It said, "A young black man trying to survive in this world, who woulda thought that his poison would be a young black girl."
I know that I'm still young, but reflecting on that line now, I can see how young I truly was when I wrote that statement. I had heard the stories about black people being like crabs in the barrel, pulling each other down. The more I experience life, the more I am revealed to the truth in that story. As militant and pro black as I feel inside, it goes against all of the logic that I should have obtained from my experiences. Black people have always been more detrimental to me in life and yet I constantly speak of racism and bias from white people. Is there something wrong with me?
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