Losers & Winners

I find it very irritating to watch television at times because of the constant scrutinizing, which is one of the reasons I've never wanted to be a celebrity. I'm not sure that the money is worth the invasion of privacy that entities like TMZ provide or the constant criticism of the general media for ratings and views. I just watched a video where Dana White is talking about Holly Holm and insulting the intelligence of her manager.

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=espn:14929842

I have so much respect for Holly Holm's decision. Holly did what I feel any true fighter would do, she took on the toughest competitor and challenge ahead of her. The reason I say true fighter is because this isn't just the position of professional fighters, but any human being with pride and who desires to be the best that they can be.

Another story that has gotten lots of negative attention from the media is Russell Okung's decision to fire his agent and take his affairs into his own hands. People say that he's stupid and should have let his agent (management team) do their job. I recently had a similar experience where a motor in my furnace went bad and I accepted the task to repair it myself. The heating/cooling business that came out quoted me $700 to replace the part, I ordered and installed it myself for less than $200. Does accepting that challenge make me a genius because I succeeded? Does taking on tasks that you're not sure you can do make you a loser or a winner?

On the other side of the coin are guys like Dana White and Floyd Mayweather. Dana White took the right risk at the right time, so he's obviously the smartest person alive, because he's rich and therefore has the right to go on national television and insult the intelligence of others. In this country it does at times seem that your bank account is the true reflection of your intelligence and greatness. Floyd Mayweather won all of his fights and people still don't view him as the greatest. He made all of the right business decisions because he's a prize fighter and approached the fight business as such. As a result, Floyd Mayweather is unquestionably the greatest business-minded boxer of all time.

It's a lose-lose when people are looking at your life in hindsight, but fortunately as "regular" people we don't have to absorb the criticism of millions of people everyday. The entire situation reminds me of Michael Jackson's song "You Can't Win" from The Wiz. I respect Holly Holm and Russell Okung for their decisions and for not being life cowards. That's the stuff that Civil Rights leaders and revolutionaries (my heroes) are made of. For me, being a winner or loser is based upon your character and not your bank account. Though I'm sure Holly Holm & Russell Okung have much healthier bank accounts than my own, I consider them winners because they accepted life's challenges.

Black Lives Matter & Chicago Protests

I take issue with the fact that young black men are being murdered without repercussion or justification.  For the most part, the United States is opposed to the death penalty.  In other words, we don't want a highly educated and community appointed judge to make the decision on whether an accused criminal that has been found guilty in the court of law should be put to death or not.  However, many people in the same society fight for the right of less educated and more biased police officers to take the lives of young black men that they perceive as guilty in the heat of a moment.  The reason for the black lives matter campaign in my eyes is the previous sentence.  That sentence does not include police taking the lives of all men or all people, but a specific group of people.  The same group which the court of law and those appointed to uphold the law don't seem to care about.

When considering protesting, in my mind I tried to come up with a sign that would express my views properly.  Saying or promoting an idea that only resonates with the same group of people that already care almost defeats the purpose to me.  So, I wanted to express my views to those who are defenders of the right to take black (in their eyes, dangerous) lives.  Many that fight for the right of police officers come from the view point that these officers were in a dangerous situation and should be praised for doing their job and getting criminals off of the street.  The entire concept of innocent until proven guilty is thrown out of the door because a person ran from the police or was in the "wrong" neighborhood or was perceived to be dangerous.  The perception of dangerous in America means you're either black or you have a weapon and tattoos all over your body.

Maybe I could hold up a sign that says Arrest Don't Annihilate or Life Over Prejudice or Let Judges Judge And Police Police.  Somehow, I don't feel like a majority of people are sending that message.  My concern would be that my efforts would be misconstrued as a defense for criminals, the same way that I view supporters of police criminals.   Maybe the sign I should hold should say I Support Police Officers Not Police Criminals.  I think that message would be a miss for most.

A part of the reason I didn't protest is because I didn't feel like I did my part in researching the details of the incidents that took place.  I knew that another black life had been discarded, but I didn't know the details of how and/or why.  I'm not sure that I would fight for a police officer having to look down the barrel of a gun before making a judgment call because then it would be too late.  I don't have an expectation of perfection when it comes to policing, but lives are far to important to keep making the same mistakes and seeing the same phantom weapons because you see a face with dark skin.  If I were to protest, I'd like to be able to present the idea from a different perspective, one that makes an actual difference and opens eyes to what I'm seeing.  But, without the detailed knowledge of the situation, I feel like I'd just be another unarmed black male awaiting execution by public opinion (Fox News).

Acting White & Stereotypes

I found myself discussing Lalapalooza recently.  I have never been to the event, but I know that it's a huge event that happens here in Chicago annually.  My former coworkers in New York would book flights to come to Chicago, just to attend this event.  I've always kinda assumed what was brought to my attention during my recent conversations, that this was a "young white" event or at best a "non-black" event.

My conversations forced me to analyze the thought that a music festival is a young white people's event.  One of the people I had the conversation with supported the concept by telling me that her coworkers told her that the event is for a younger white crowd.  I know that different events are geared toward different audiences, but I questioned if this was really true.  Considering that Caucasians represent the majority of people in this country, wouldn't everything from a business perspective be geared toward that group?  In my debate I asked the question, then what events are there for young or middle-aged descendants of Africa?  Silence.

The reality of that question hits hard.  If you've grown up in this country then the media and personal experience will tell you the true answer.  If you ask that question to someone publicly, you'll probably get the PC answer or an I don't know.  But, true based on statistics or not, most people will either think or subconsciously think rap/hip-hop concerts or something more negative like jail or participating in illegal activities.  This is probably why I spent a majority of my younger life indoors and not interact with people in my neighborhood.  Maybe I'm only expressing my own subconscious thoughts and not those of the majority, but the fact that these are the first answers that come to my mind as a middle-aged descendant of Africa (born & raise in America) is a problem.  Everything that I do isn't based on what America's population believes I should do, but I have to admit that it greatly influences the way that I think and probably my actions.

I find myself reminiscing on when my coworker told me that I strike him as angry & violent.  When I asked him why, he gave the magic answer - I don't know.  This is why the first thought when a descendant of Africa is murdered by a police officer isn't why did the police officer feel the need to use deadly force, but what kind of person is the victim.  For most of my life, I've probably only participated in activities that I felt were "black" because I wanted to feel comfortable doing so and not feel that insecure feeling that a descendant of Africa feels when walking into an all-Caucasian bar or event.  I didn't teach myself what it was to "act black" just like the children of tomorrow won't teach themselves.  We as Americans and especially fellow Americans that are descendants of Africa need to watch what we say and how we define what's "black".  The movie Dope emphasizes this concept as well.  Let's stop saying and more importantly, let's stop thinking that things of a positive nature are only to be associated with the majority.

Dark Night

I have seen commercials that read off long lists of side effects. One kinda stood out to me. Night terrors. I remember when I first heard it I thought, 'Why not just say nightmares?' Well last night I figured out the difference.

It took two experiences for me to define it, but I knew what it was before looking up the definition. Two nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. My entire arm was numb. I hopped out of the bed shaking and rubbing my arm trembling inside and pacing next to my bed. My wife asked what was wrong and I tried not to explain. That night I took a Unisom sleeping pill, then I felt a little sick, so I took Nightquil so maybe it was a bad mix.

Then last night I took another Unisom. I awoke in the middle of the night again. I was extremely terrified again. I kept thinking about death and it happening inevitably, how I quickly it could happen and how unprepared I am for it. I tried to rationalize the fear away, but it was as if I had been sprayed with the Scarecrow's fear concoction. This wasn't a thought I hadn't thought of before, but much more intense this time. When I woke up this morning, I knew I had been experiencing night terrors. I haven't found them as a side effect of the medication but I have about 40 pills left and I still have trouble sleeping.

Life Lesson

Me Against The World. Fuck The World. If you guessed 2pac, you were right. These are 2 of the many 2pac songs I like and a conversation that I had last night reminded me of why. Last night I explained to a friend that as a kid if there was a girl that I liked that didn’t think I was worth the time of day, my mother would say, “Fuck her.” He laughed and said that he was thinking the same thought as I paused before speaking my mother’s thought. I confirmed that if a person doesn’t appreciate/value you, then “Fuck him/her.” When I was in college, I dedicated myself to the only vehicle I had to attend college, a national NROTC scholarship that I was awarded. The people in the program, which included my friend, were like family to me. The closest biological family that I knew of were multiple states away. NROTC students stayed in upper classmen dorms so I didn’t have opportunities to gel with other new students that were looking to form new relationship. I assumed that all of the people in the program knew and shared those feelings to the extent that arguments/disagreements wouldn’t stop us from being family. We started out with about twenty people in our class and after two years there was only about six of us. In my junior year, I got kicked out of the program. After that I would still talk to the final six, but our paths rarely crossed outside of parties and besides one of the six and one of the original twenty, no one really attempted to keep a friendship going. There were only about four out of the six of us that graduated on time and to my knowledge, three of the six went into the Navy after college. A few years later, I found out that one of the six was getting married and my friend was the best man. Five out of the six attended the wedding. There have been very few places that I’ve gone where I have started meaningful relationships. My friend makes friends easily. Even members of my family, including my mom, have tons of friends of varying degrees. I have never been good at making or keeping friends. People interact with me, sometimes closely, but temporarily. The people that I’ve worked with don’t mix their personal lives with their work lives and I’m not the type of person to impose myself on others. I have met a ton of people throughout my lifetime, but most don’t stick. Logic would lead me to believe that those people don’t value me. In taking the advice of two of the people that are close to me and honing in on my fill in the blank skills I’m left with, “Fuck The World.” I’m a very forgetful person and before last night’s conversation I forgot about the issues that I’ve had with relationships that are mutually valued. I even had the nerve to wonder if I could be a successful politician. Lately, I’ve been thinking about everything in terms of being a politician and winning votes. From appearing in court in front of a jury, to being a fan favorite athlete, to winning over interviewers for a job. I can’t even convince family members to return phone calls or former co workers to recognize my existence, but somehow I thought I could convince strangers to believe in me and elect me in an election. Memories of why I didn’t want children were reintroduced to me last night. Currently, it’s me against the world. Though I know that misery loves company, I dread having to explain to a child that because he/she doesn’t possess any value to the world at large he/she needs to take the “Fuck The World” approach.

Psycho

I have always thought that there is something wrong with me.  In many scenarios, I can't comprehend how other people see the situation.  Sometimes it's to the extent that I feel something must be wrong with the way I'm thinking or the way my brain works.  Often times the setting/situation is a social one and the fact that people have told me that I'm a social person makes me even more concerned about my mental health when these scenarios arise.

About a year ago, I told one of my coworkers about the great time that I had when I traveled to Toronto and attended Caribana.  I introduced the idea that we should take a road trip from Chicago out there.  He said he wanted to, but I believe there was a conflict due to the fact that it was short time and I just threw it out there on a whim.  We decided to table the idea and we both threw out the idea of maybe next year.  Today, he approached me with another coworker.  She came to me and said, "We're going to Caribana, you wanna come?"

I was caught a little off guard, but it didn't surprise me that he had discussed the idea with her.  Here comes the strange part in the mind of me.  He said to me, "Yeah I was talking with some of my friends this weekend and me and my crew decided that we're going to take a trip out there."

"HUH?!" (My brain)

So, I have spent too much time thinking about this.  In my mind, the way to approach the situation would have been for him to ask me if I still wanted to take the trip we discussed last year.  However, I find it tremendously awkward & strange that he would tell me that him and his friends decided to go on the trip I originally planned and invited him to.  The presentation made it even stranger to me because it was as if he were presenting me with my own idea.  I would relate it to me walking up to George Washington Carver and saying, "Check out this cool thing I can do with peanuts, wanna taste?"  Two weeks after he showed it to do this cool thing.

I'm almost positive that someone, actually several someones can read this story or be presented with the story and not get where I'm coming from, not even think there was anything strange about my coworkers statements.  However, I can't.

So, here's how this all ties into my title.  I've heard people discussing the crazy actions of psychos in this country who have committed mass murders.  Although I don't agree with their actions, I can in some instances understand how someone can lose control and do something crazy.  However, I can't understand things like the above and many other common social scenarios.  I would hope that this doesn't make me a psycho, but sometimes being unique leaves you feeling unrelatable and isolated.  This is just one of those frequent moments for me.

20/80

Life ain't fair.  I've heard it a thousand times, but it's still hard for me to accept.  Not necessarily that life isn't fair, but the fact that in my life I feel like none of the relationships I have are fair.

Years ago, I spoke with a friend about the fact that no relationship is 50/50.  He asked me what percentage I felt our relationship was.  I told him 30/70.  Initially he was shocked, but after I explained to him why I felt that way all he could say was, "Damn". After some thought he agreed and I appreciated the fact that he could at least see it.  Today our relationship is more like 30/30, we aren't as close as we were when we lived near each other, but our relationship seems more even than most of my relationships.

Another friend always told me that I expect too much from my friends.  I argued with him that I expect what I give.  We had been through some things in our friendship, moments where it wasn't clear that there was a friendship at all.  He swore to me that things were different.  I felt like I was always an open book with him.  After all friends, best friends anyway, don't keep secrets.  He always had a thing with telling me when he was in a relationship or pursuing a relationship for some reason.  I always told him all the details of my life, he knew about every argument & every fight of every almost relationship.  After he got his girlfriend pregnant he told me that he was finally kissing his girlfriend.  I guess disclosing every moment of your life to someone and asking them to be open with you is asking too much.

I recently stopped talking to my own mother for months.  I guess I just got so frustrated with the lack of fairness in my relationships that I decided I'd rather not have relationships than to continuously come out on the short end of the stick.  I visited my father 4 or more times when I was living in New York with no family nearby, he rarely even called me.  I took all of my siblings out to celebrate on my birthday a few years ago in an attempt to build on our relationships, not one asked me to go out since.  My cousin and aunt that I call my sister and mama auntie missed my high school & college graduation and my wedding.  They still ask me when I'm going to come visit them even though I've visited them several times in spite of their absences at every important event in my life.  I guess they'll have one more opportunity, my funeral.

I firmly believe that nothing happens without reason.  I know that humans by nature want to make excuses for why things suck in their lives instead of taking responsibility for their part in it all.  I'm still searching to figure out what my part is.  Answers like, "You expect too much" haven't helped me to be at peace with things.  I believe that venting serves no purpose when the words fall on deaf ears, but I also don't want to implode with anger and frustration.  I guess I'll continue to write blogs, randomly lash out, and sever ties until I can figure it all out.