Hopeless

I’m trying to think of a way to make this blog not sound like a suicide letter or a confession of depression and at the same time express my feelings of powerlessness and lack of purpose. I’m sure that after reading that first line many will think that I need God in my life. Although I believe in God, be it because of experiences or upbringing, I feel that the ‘need for God’ expression is a convenient and easy solution to every problem. I can’t help but think about the movie The Invention of Lying. God is a great way to give a sense of purpose and a reason to live, to put frustrated minds at ease, to make sense of senseless acts, to lift broken spirits, to heal the loneliness someone may feel, and to explain the inexplicable. After writing this, I’m going to pray in hopes that some of my feelings of hopelessness may become more hopeful.

About 7 years ago, I lost a $100,000 scholarship to pay for my college education. I read the documentation and thought about the acts leading up to this event daily trying to explain what had happened. My mind came to the conclusion that I had been kicked out of the program I was in because the man who ran the program didn’t like me. But, how could it be that simple? How could the course of my life be altered by the opinion of one person? I hoped for an appeal to the decision. I wrote senators, congressmen, aldermen, talked to lawyers, contacted the NAACP. I didn’t know where to go or what to do to get justice. I never felt so powerless in my life. I told myself that life isn’t fair and so I have to accept it and move on.

I couldn’t help, but think about the movie The Net. In that movie a woman had her identity completely altered and was seemingly powerless to change it. Of course, just like in other movies everything was righted in the end, but unfortunately my life has never turned out as good as movies do. Considering my life has not yet ended, maybe someday.

Other thoughts crossed my mind as well. I thought about my nephew being shot in the face and how although I had seen stories of violence on television, nothing could prepare me for the feeling when it hit home. Thoughts about inmates that are found innocent 20 years after being imprisoned came to mind. I thought about the fact that as an inmate convicted of a crime and thrown in jail, you can read and learn as much of the law as you want, but you are powerless to change your situation. If you are able to obtain enough information that you are able to contact someone with power, then you must cross your fingers and hope that THEY are willing to help you in your pursuit of justice. You are still powerless in the situation.

Recently I left the teaching profession and I found out that my name had been put on a DO NOT HIRE list. Like every experience that I have had in the Chicago Public School system, this information was stumbled upon. Coming from a less chaotic system in New York City, it was very hard for me to adjust to a system where all of your professional knowledge was based on hearsay. In New York City, if you asked me about my contractual duties, I could access them via the Internet and we could read them together. In Chicago, if you asked me the same question, I would assume that they were similar to New York City’s obligations and recite anything different as something that I heard from coworkers. Union meetings in NYC were informative and frequent. In Chicago I found out that I had a union delegate at the end of my first year of teaching. It was very shocking to me to find out that I had be put on this list without some prior warning or any sign that I had not performed my duties at my previous school. Luckily my teacher’s union in Chicago contacted me and let me know that I was on this list. Oops, I meant a coworker told me that the list existed and that I should check to see if I was on it. Yet again, I feel powerless to make any change is such a just nation. Who should I contact to help me bring about justice? A lawyer that I can’t afford or a union that collected mandatory fees from me and did nothing to support me. Maybe I should write aldermen, congressmen, and senators again to solidify that I have no voice.

I feel like I have been paying taxes, but my children don’t have the right to attend a public school that my taxes go to support. Taxation without representation, isn’t that what we fought England for? I said that I was going to try to be more positive, but obviously I failed miserably. Does it really matter that I fail though? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound? My failures and injustices can continue on forever and all I can do is pray that someone hears me. I’m sure I’m not the only person getting screwed in this wonderful country of ours, so maybe I should just accept that life isn’t fair and move on. Food for thought though, if you were imprisoned for a crime that you didn’t commit, what could you do in this land of the free to change your situation?

"Ain't nothin worse than this cursed ass hopeless life."
- 2pac, Troublesome '96