20/80

Life ain't fair.  I've heard it a thousand times, but it's still hard for me to accept.  Not necessarily that life isn't fair, but the fact that in my life I feel like none of the relationships I have are fair.

Years ago, I spoke with a friend about the fact that no relationship is 50/50.  He asked me what percentage I felt our relationship was.  I told him 30/70.  Initially he was shocked, but after I explained to him why I felt that way all he could say was, "Damn". After some thought he agreed and I appreciated the fact that he could at least see it.  Today our relationship is more like 30/30, we aren't as close as we were when we lived near each other, but our relationship seems more even than most of my relationships.

Another friend always told me that I expect too much from my friends.  I argued with him that I expect what I give.  We had been through some things in our friendship, moments where it wasn't clear that there was a friendship at all.  He swore to me that things were different.  I felt like I was always an open book with him.  After all friends, best friends anyway, don't keep secrets.  He always had a thing with telling me when he was in a relationship or pursuing a relationship for some reason.  I always told him all the details of my life, he knew about every argument & every fight of every almost relationship.  After he got his girlfriend pregnant he told me that he was finally kissing his girlfriend.  I guess disclosing every moment of your life to someone and asking them to be open with you is asking too much.

I recently stopped talking to my own mother for months.  I guess I just got so frustrated with the lack of fairness in my relationships that I decided I'd rather not have relationships than to continuously come out on the short end of the stick.  I visited my father 4 or more times when I was living in New York with no family nearby, he rarely even called me.  I took all of my siblings out to celebrate on my birthday a few years ago in an attempt to build on our relationships, not one asked me to go out since.  My cousin and aunt that I call my sister and mama auntie missed my high school & college graduation and my wedding.  They still ask me when I'm going to come visit them even though I've visited them several times in spite of their absences at every important event in my life.  I guess they'll have one more opportunity, my funeral.

I firmly believe that nothing happens without reason.  I know that humans by nature want to make excuses for why things suck in their lives instead of taking responsibility for their part in it all.  I'm still searching to figure out what my part is.  Answers like, "You expect too much" haven't helped me to be at peace with things.  I believe that venting serves no purpose when the words fall on deaf ears, but I also don't want to implode with anger and frustration.  I guess I'll continue to write blogs, randomly lash out, and sever ties until I can figure it all out.

Dexter Season 1 Episode 10: Seeing Red

I’m on the last leg of finishing up the first season of Dexter.  I’m about 7 years late, but I tend to catch on to popular television shows & movies late.  I had heard about this show, but the explanations didn’t make sense to me.  A popular television show about a serial killer?  I was curious about the contents of the show, but it wasn’t available on my Netflix account until recently, so I didn’t get a change to quench my curiosity.

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but things usually take a while to catch on for me.  Through the first few episodes, I wasn’t feeling it.  I forced myself to continue watching because I figured even if the show wasn’t my cup of tea, I’d eventually figure out why so many people loved it.  Took me 10 episodes, but I fully understand now.  Dexter is really a dramatic, suspense version of The Punisher, whereas The Punisher is more action based.  In Dexter, he only kills people that the viewing audience feels deserves to die.  His behavior is always justified, similar to a Time to Kill, who didn’t think those guys deserved to burn in hell (with the exception of Zimmerman supporters)?

Episode 10 made me think about fatherhood.  I often think about the lack of fathers in the black community and how so many people take on the challenge of having children and abandon the responsibilities that come with it.  Although I find it less prevalent than it is being portrayed in more recent television, it is nice to see that men aren’t always portrayed as negligent and uncaring.  It has been a little bothersome to watch the show and watch how this man really wants to be in his children’s lives and how difficult it gets.  I feel like there is a lot of reality in that, but I don’t think people see things that way (either parent) when they have children outside of wedlock.  I don’t think that marriage eliminates the possibility of the situation, but I think it demonstrates a level of commitment to having a family that should be a precursor to having a child.  Like going to college doesn't decrease the odds of finding a job, getting married doesn't decrease the odds of keeping a family together.  I find it crazy that people are afraid of the commitment involved in a marriage which can be dissolved at any time and a home which is just debt to be added to the unavoidable list of other debts, but don’t fear the lifetime commitment of having a child.

Watching this show makes me wonder about the psyche of some women.  This woman’s estranged husband was abusive to her so I understand the reluctance to have him as a part of her life; however, I feel like she has to know that he should be a part of her children’s lives.  That’s what she signed up for when she gave birth to their children.  She speaks about how she allows him to see his children as if she’s doing him a favor and they aren’t his children too.  I wonder if she had a father in her life or if people are just so detached from the concept of putting themselves in other’s shoes that they don’t think like that even when it’s their own children.  I feel like in reality there are more mothers pursuing fathers to be a part of their children’s lives (at least financially) than there are fathers pursuing mothers to be in their children’s lives.  Either way, that situation has got to be tough.