20/80

Life ain't fair.  I've heard it a thousand times, but it's still hard for me to accept.  Not necessarily that life isn't fair, but the fact that in my life I feel like none of the relationships I have are fair.

Years ago, I spoke with a friend about the fact that no relationship is 50/50.  He asked me what percentage I felt our relationship was.  I told him 30/70.  Initially he was shocked, but after I explained to him why I felt that way all he could say was, "Damn". After some thought he agreed and I appreciated the fact that he could at least see it.  Today our relationship is more like 30/30, we aren't as close as we were when we lived near each other, but our relationship seems more even than most of my relationships.

Another friend always told me that I expect too much from my friends.  I argued with him that I expect what I give.  We had been through some things in our friendship, moments where it wasn't clear that there was a friendship at all.  He swore to me that things were different.  I felt like I was always an open book with him.  After all friends, best friends anyway, don't keep secrets.  He always had a thing with telling me when he was in a relationship or pursuing a relationship for some reason.  I always told him all the details of my life, he knew about every argument & every fight of every almost relationship.  After he got his girlfriend pregnant he told me that he was finally kissing his girlfriend.  I guess disclosing every moment of your life to someone and asking them to be open with you is asking too much.

I recently stopped talking to my own mother for months.  I guess I just got so frustrated with the lack of fairness in my relationships that I decided I'd rather not have relationships than to continuously come out on the short end of the stick.  I visited my father 4 or more times when I was living in New York with no family nearby, he rarely even called me.  I took all of my siblings out to celebrate on my birthday a few years ago in an attempt to build on our relationships, not one asked me to go out since.  My cousin and aunt that I call my sister and mama auntie missed my high school & college graduation and my wedding.  They still ask me when I'm going to come visit them even though I've visited them several times in spite of their absences at every important event in my life.  I guess they'll have one more opportunity, my funeral.

I firmly believe that nothing happens without reason.  I know that humans by nature want to make excuses for why things suck in their lives instead of taking responsibility for their part in it all.  I'm still searching to figure out what my part is.  Answers like, "You expect too much" haven't helped me to be at peace with things.  I believe that venting serves no purpose when the words fall on deaf ears, but I also don't want to implode with anger and frustration.  I guess I'll continue to write blogs, randomly lash out, and sever ties until I can figure it all out.