Farewell Fair-weathers

One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.

What goes around comes around.

These are statements we grow up hearing, but I find to be meaningless in reality.  I used to get frustrated by fair-weather friends, but they have become such a commonality throughout my life that I feel like I should be used to it by now.  But I feel that the notion is similar to how I tell people you can't get used to cold weather in Chicago, you can only prepare yourself better for the cold.  I feel like I've done a pretty poor job preparing for fair-weather friends.  I've had the conversation with real friends several times and I've been told that I expect too much from people, but it's only because I expect so much from myself.  Unfortunately I bought into the hype of the statements above.

When I first joined my fraternity, I can recall many times when I would meet other people that valued the bond as much as I did.  They all echoed the same feeling of expecting the bond to be stronger generally amongst at least a majority of members, but they failed to meet expectation.  These people would tend to become inactive members of the fraternity and later be asked why then didn't chose to stay active.

I'd need as many fingers as an octopus with human hands to count the number of times I have been stiffed in a "friendship."  When people visit my city, I drop everything outside of the undroppable to pick them up and drive them around touring my city.  If I'm without transportation, I catch public transportation.  When I visit other friends, the story seems to be unchanged.  I have to drive to meet up with them, IF they have time.  They would meet up with me, BUT...for a million reasons its not possible.  I wonder why I even desire friendship sometimes.  With this in mind, I moved back to Chicago to the comfort of family only to discover that the same is true with family.  I've thought about cleaning the slate and starting anew.  I've deleted the Facebook account and revamped the phone book, but its difficult to delete & forget about your entire history/past.  The older I get the more antisocial I get and the more I understand why people don't like people.


Happy New Year.

Beautiful Girls

What is it about a person that makes you think about that person all the time forever?  Why can't you choose who you do or don't think about constantly?  Why can you make the person you want to think about the person you actually think about?  I guess it's just the cruel nature of life that make you fall for the one person that doesn't fall for you.

This isn't based on a current experience, just a thought.  I remember in high school that there were girls that liked me, but when I recount high school I always tell people about my struggles to find a girlfriend.  I'm not sure if its a matter of beauty or just a lack of a connection.  When I was in high school I started talking to two girls at the same time.  I found them both equally attractive, but one took my heart and the other didn't.  Til this day I can't figure out why/how.  The one I didn't chose, was probably logically the better choice, but I still didn't choose her.  I've seen this dilemma in movies, but it's crazy how much it happens in everyday life.  I hear/see the same issue in every day life and it still doesn't make sense to me.  Why do women want a bad boy knowing that the bad boy can't provider her with the security that she desire?

Why do men in prison have so many more children than men that are trying to better themselves and are on the "correct" path?

Does Absence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?

I hate it when I can’t sleep, especially when I need to wake up early the next morning.

It seems like my mind wonders on forever with no end in sight.  My thoughts tonight led me back about 6 or 7 years to one of my previous relationships.  I remember a conversation that I had with an ex about sex.  It was a crazy conversation, but it doesn’t feel taboo to discuss it in this blog.  Like many of my other thoughts, I feel like this conversation was about sex but applies to life.  We were talking about why she doesn’t try to make sex great every time she does it.  Her argument was that if she tried her best every time then it wouldn’t be special when she did.  I argued that if you apply that concept to school then she would intentionally be a C student so that her parents would appreciate it more when she got an A.  We debated all night and I’m still not sure that there’s a right answer.

I fully understood her perspective because I feel like in order to appreciate good times; you have to have bad times.  I think about how much I agree with that stance and at the same time how much I disagree with it.  I recently commented on a blog (yeah, I’m not sure why either) about a former skinhead that went through a great deal of pain to have his racist tattoos removed.  Although I could understand why people felt like this was a good act I also couldn’t understand how you could applaud a person who used to hate and has decided to stop hating when there are so many that never hated in the first place.  It made me feel like I should have been a worse kid so that when I decided to turn my life around I would get more attention.  Somehow, I don’t think it really works that way for black people in America.  Compare the number of people that know Malcolm X as a hateful racist person to those that know of his view changes later in life.  Then again, he wasn’t a skinhead and didn’t go through a painful procedure to have his tattoos removed.

Alright, back to the title.  Does absence make the heart grow fonder?  I think about the fact that people look forward to the weekend so much.  When people get a vacation they travel or do something to celebrate.  However, when people have all week off because they’re unemployed or retired, they get depressed and feel useless.  When you have a crush on a person you are overwhelmed with love for that person.  Flowers are given, doors opened, constant touching but eventually that gets old or people use the excuse that they got old and things change.  If not for distance or some form of absence, things seem to get harder to appreciate.  It makes me wonder how people do any particular thing for any length of time.  For some reason, this concept is easy to understand based on how and to whom it’s presented.  If you ask anyone about eating the same food every day most people would agree that at some point they get tired of it.  Some people would argue that they could eat pizza every day if its prepared differently, but some would realize that even though they love pizza that would not be as tempting as egg foo young after having pizza for a week straight.  If you apply this concept to anything else then it becomes a great debate.  Personally, I’m tired of restless nights.

Nervous Confidence

I’m still not exactly sure when I got the balls to actually propose.  With my negative-real perspective on life, I always figured that I’d gather the courage to propose later.  Never did I think later would be now.  How do you decide what person you are going to be with for the rest of your life?  Before I did it I think I put life into perspective a little bit.  I feel like moments like this cross our paths all the time, but we never give them as much thought.  For so many men, there is a similar very short lived question that possesses the same or more impact on our lives:  What if she gets pregnant?  For some reason that question doesn’t carry nearly as much weight in terms of decision making, but usually requires a longer commitment .  I’m an analogy thinker and my mind always attempts to make experiences connect.

My latest connection, wrestling and proposing.  I guess to be more general I could just say competition and proposing.  There is a certain feeling that you get right before a competition.  Before I would go into a match, I definitely had confidence in myself, but there was a nervousness that came along with it.
'This guy looks huge, but I’m going to win anyway.'
'This guy looks like he’s never trained before, but what if he catches me slipping.'
I think all the time about the fact that I’m going to be married sooner than later.  I’m very confident that the woman I will be marrying is a wonderful person, but in this case disagreements and lack of self-confidence causes me nervousness.  Am I the husband type?  Growing up I’ve had girls tell me that I’m the relationship type, but I’m not sure that means the same thing.  I also worry about the disagreements.  They happen all the time in every relationship, but do I have the ability to contain my anger and not allow the straw to break the camel’s back (the disagreement to end the relationship)?

With the commonality of major decisions, I figured that I should be used to it.  I could have been scared to choose the wrong college.  Instead of just picking the one I thought was best, I could have continued learning my entire life and never have obtained a degree.  Everyone knows someone like that in terms of relationships, usually someone you refer to as family because they’ve always been there but never actually married into the family.  Maybe that’s why they call it common law.  Or I could have let the decision choose me.  I could have just waited until I got the letter in the mail saying, 'Come to my school and you’ll earn millions more over your lifetime.'*  I feel like people let decisions choose them a lot.  When I think about my mentality in wrestling it helps to relieve some of the anxiety.  Regardless of the match I always worked hard and I very rarely got pinned (never by my count and 3 times by crappy officials).  I’m sure this won’t be an easy match, but I’m confident that I’ll win.

* subject to ambition, socioeconomic status, drive, quality of education, who you know and luck, loans/loan interest not included

NBA Lockout

A few months ago, I had a conversation with a fraternity brother about celebrities/athletes.  He felt like he worked really hard to achieve his engineering degree and athletes shouldn’t make so much more than him.  I partially agreed.  Earlier today, I saw an article in a newspaper that said, “In a time in this country when smart, talented, intelligent people are struggling to make ends meet, faced with actual problems – not fake ones in sports – they’re actually thinking of canceling the season.”  This statement and many other thoughts about professional athletes spurred me to write this blog.  Granted I’m not an professional athlete, I feel that I’m open-minded enough to think about lives & situations outside of my own.

I wonder why athletes are scrutinized so heavily.  I feel as though I already know a possible answer and therefore shouldn’t wonder, so maybe a better question is why are people so short sighted?  Athletes are scrutinized because their salaries are publicized and addressed so often by the media.  Does anyone ever think about the owners’ salaries?  No.  Why?  Because no one really even knows who “the owners” are.  They avoid media coverage and being scrutinized by the public.  I studied a book about society that talks about the perceptions we possess in America.  We perceive rich people as having earned their money and poor people as the opposite.  Apparently this only applies to the non-athlete rich.  I guess in order to be smart, talented, & intelligent you would have to possess the talent to be a professional athlete and turn down the option to make millions.

As I drive through cities and suburbs, I often find myself wondering how hard people in luxurious homes worked to earn their status in society.  I guess they would be the owners of everyday society and accurately so since they own much of the property.  What exactly does a person have to do in order to earn their status?  I figure that not every person living in an above average position is a doctor/lawyer and has paid their dues through schooling.  Does schooling determine effort & worth?  What about the person who inherited wealth & status?  Should that person then be forced to earn their worth or should they be the beneficiaries of their ancestor’s hard work and how fair is that concept?

Although I’m not a professional athlete, I feel that they work hard in order to achieve what they have achieved.  They don't shovel rocks for 8 hours a day, but they practice extensively, every aspect of their lives is criticized & examined, and they perform on a stage regularly for about the same amount of time.  Is the stress they endure and the effort they put forth really that worthless, especially in comparison to the owners of the teams they work for?  They risk their health and well being to entertain millions.  Police officers & soldiers risk their lives everyday at work, so who then should take the financial hit and who is worth the least in society?  I think from the perspective of those who dissect athletes’ worth so much, it definitely shouldn’t be the owners.  Maybe a class in economics or an economist's feedback would do me well.  Regardless, I think people should be more considerate, especially people in the media whose opinions have such great power.

Love Yourself?

When I taught high school, I learned that people don’t mean what they say. As a general rule, we as a people say what we’re supposed to say. I say, “How are you?” You say, “Fine.”

As an adult, if you ask a high school student what they plan to do after college 98% of them will answer go to college. It doesn’t matter if the student never receives a passing grade, hates school, or can’t afford to go to college, they will always respond with college because it’s the right thing to say. Many times, people say things without thought or consideration. This led me to wonder if people mean it when they say I love myself. It’s not socially acceptable to say that you don’t love yourself or to lack confidence, so even if the latter is true, you never say it.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about interracial dating. In my mind the question posed was can you date outside of your race and still have pride and love for your own race? As a non-discriminatory dater who has dated outside of my race, I argued that it is very possible. I firmly believed this because I maintained my pride and love throughout my interracial relationship as I attended a historically black college. Then yesterday happened and questions arose.

Yesterday I saw a television show with a plus sized model. She said that she likes to date skinny or muscular men. This made me think about the actress/comedian Mo’Nique who has a clothing line named Big Beautiful and Loving It. It seems that in the current society your goal should not be self improvement, but self acceptance. Although I didn’t announce it, the first thought that ran through my mind was, if you love yourself so much why aren’t you attracted to people that are like you?

Usually when I think a thought like that, my mind reaches out for an analogy. Of course I quickly recognized that my latest thought countered my previous thought. As a black man who loves myself and has pride in who I am, why wouldn’t I date someone who is the same race as me? I still feel that my argument stands because I didn’t date outside of my race due to preference, but circumstance. However, I do recognize that there are many cases where this isn’t the case. The question then would be, can you truly love yourself and dislike those that are like you?

Socially, it is acceptable to date people that are not like you, but does that conflict with the ideals of self love. In college, I can recall several short girls telling me that they would never date a short guy. Their rationale was often because they didn’t want to have short children. Can you hate qualities that make you who you are and still love yourself?

Would it be okay to say, I only date white women because I don’t want to have black children, but then say I love myself?

$38,500

I often speak with a friend about disparity in this country. We debate our feeling about different issue and I play devil’s advocate. Although every word he speaks oozes with truth, I attempt to challenge his thoughts as well as what may be my own. I guess in essence the devil’s advocate within me is the philosopher within me. How does the tree make a sound if you cannot hear it? How would you even know that the tree made a sound? If you’ve never been to space, how do you even know it exist? If you’ve never seen the world, how can you be sure that it’s not flat?

This morning I heard on the radio that tickets to join in on Obama’s birthday celebration were $38,500. Thirty eight thousand five hundred dollars. Who buys that ticket? Does anyone actually pay that amount for a ticket to the celebration? $38,500 is the salary that millions would lie and cheat to have before tax. $38,500 would buy Governor Spitzer a month with a classy prostitute. $38,500 would be a down payment on a nice home. I’d imagine that the average person wouldn’t spend $38,500 on a wedding. Most college students probably have about $38,500 in loans. I hear this the day after I hear the rumor that Soldier Boy purchased a $55,000,000 jet for his birthday. Yes, that is six zeros and no your life’s earnings do not add up to that much money.

People complain about the amount of money that entertainers are worth all of the time. I try not to think about it so much because I feel like I can’t come up with a decent solution to the problem. Change the American mentality and make people more humanistic? Convince evil heartless people to love more and do good deeds? I can’t help but wonder what people think when they watch the news. When filthy rich people watch the news and see that a person is facing life in prison for a robbery, does the person that buys the ticket to Obama’s birthday celebration think, ‘I would have given that guy $20,000 not to kill all those hostages.’ Probably not, unless they were related to one of the hostages.

If we lower the amount of money that Lebron James makes to be comparable to a high end doctor’s salary, does that lessen the disparity? What about those wealthy families that have been wealthy for generations that Lebron James couldn’t even hang out with? Those below the radar millionaires & billionaires that don’t provide entertainment. What about Lebron’s agent and the owners of Lebron’s team? What about the people that write Lebron’s checks, how low/high should their salaries be? How high are their salaries now though they don’t get the attention that Lebron gets?

I guess in part it’s difficult to come up with solutions to the problem because I don’t have enough information about the problem to begin with. Like a math problem with missing information.

Ebony is 3 years old. Ebony has a sister name Karen. How old is Karen?

Well, I’ve asked a lot of questions, so I’ll let you think on those.

Newsflash: Facebook profits soar thousands, thousands of Facebook users starve to death.

Outkast

Many times I feel like an outkast in life. No, not a member of the popular hip hop group that creates music that resonates with millions across this country and refers to themselves as Outkast. I feel more like the dictionary defined outcast: a person who is rejected or cast out, as from home or society. However, I do prefer the more popular outkast spelling.

As a kid, I grew up in very different environments. I used to think that it would benefit me as a person to know the experience of having grown up in the ghetto and having grown up in a senior citizens trailer park. However, I wonder if this helped to make me the outkast that I am today. Obviously, I didn’t feel like I fit in at a senior citizens trailer park because I was the only kid playing outside and people kept telling management about me. You would think that it would be much better in the ghetto, but it wasn’t. The ghetto is only appealing in rap videos or when you have embraced the idea of being ghetto. When you’re not “balling” or pretending to, you’re not a drug dealer, you’re not the complaining old man, and you’re not in a gang, you’re just the lame nigga in the ghetto.

In high school, I played sports, but I also appreciated education. I never got straight A’s, but I never failed a class. I enjoyed talking to and interacting with others, but I was shy too. I appreciated all girls black white and in between, but none of them appreciated me. I was always too short, too young, or not bad enough. I recall middle school when I got my 2 year crushes phone number right before she got kicked out of school. I called her and she asked if I smoked bud. When I said no, I got laughed off the phone. I’m sure that if I had gotten the nerd girls number she would have laughed me off the phone when I told her I didn’t know how to work with derivatives.

Luckily college came around. I chose to go to a historically black college. Naturally, I would fit in there. Unfortunately, a lot of the guys there were from middle class environments, but seemed to want to be ghetto superstars. I was in the ROTC program where I met lots of people and seemingly made friends. I keep in touch with one of those people. Then I did something I never thought I do. I joined a fraternity. There I found a close friend, the guy from ROTC. I still keep in touch with people; they just don’t keep in touch with me.

Sometimes I regret having gone to a historically black college because I feel like I didn’t have the networking skills to take advantage of my environment and I could have gotten a better education somewhere else. I’m sure I could have managed one friend from another college. I feel like two people in one. The guy nobody likes and the other guy nobody likes.

After college, I moved to New York and I was determined to be social. I talked to everybody. My friends would say there’s no way anyone would describe me as shy. Ask anyone that knows of me today, how they would describe me. Life just feels like The Story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears for me, except baby bear doesn’t exist and there’s no porridge that is just right.

Too cool for the nerds, too smart for the jocks, too black for the white groups and not black enough for the black groups. Too educated to be a janitor, not educated enough to be a doctor. Too rich for public housing, too poor for any other housing.

Homosexuality

I have tried to have a conversation about the topic with several homosexual and heterosexual people and the result is usually a heated exchange on the other person’s end. Usually the heterosexual person will agree with my views and add their more extreme views. The heterosexual person that gets upset usually has a close friend or family member that is homosexual is offended by my view. Maybe I don’t get upset about it because I’m not homosexual. However, I don’t feel like the conversation takes the tone of a racist explaining why black people are inferior. I personally feel like the debate is more closely related to a child inquiring and questioning a faith. The child’s curiosity leads them to question things that the believer feels should not be questioned based on their faith. My feelings or view on homosexuality are just that and I discuss it in order to gain more perspective and possibly a better understanding.

Before I continue, I would like to clarify my position. I am not homophilic (if that’s a word), however I am also not homophobic. There are characteristic in a person that I do not respect that can sometimes apply to homosexuals, but they can also apply to heterosexuals. I do not respect people trying to be something that they are not. Having an appreciation for something other than what you are is very respectable in my opinion. I would like to use the movie “The Last Dragon” as an example. In that movie, Bruce Leroy has a great admiration for the Asian culture, but his expression of that admiration is disturbing to me. He admires it to the extent that he mocks his own culture. A good counter-example to that is Eminem. Although his possesses an admiration for black culture, he doesn’t say nigga out of respect for the culture and he acknowledges and loves his (white) people. In terms of homosexuality, I don’t agree with homosexuals, men that like men behaving as women that like men or vice versa. I understand that this can get tricky with sex changes, but that’s another blog.

The most common debate that I encounter is about whether or not homosexuality is choice. The most common answer I receive is that no one would be willing put themselves through the torture of admitting they were homosexual if it were a choice. My arguments are as follows:

1) If homosexuality is not a choice then it would have to be genetic. Many people try to link homosexuality to genetics. If this theory is proven then I will retract my statements, but I can’t imagine how this is possible. Genetically, homosexuals cannot procreate so then the gene would have to be a recessive one. If that is the case whenever two homosexuals have the gene they would not be able to reproduce it and the gene would become scarcer. However, homosexuality in our society is growing from the reproduction of heterosexuals.

2) I believe I chose to be heterosexual. Meaning that if I wanted to have sex with men, all I would need to do it pursue the option. Genetically, I can’t change my mind about being short or decide to change my race. Many people don’t believe in dating outside of their race. Was this a learned behavior or a genetic trait? If someone chooses to date a person outside of their race, but no one in their family has ever done that before does that then become a genetic trait?

I don’t hate gay people in any way shape or form. I’m not sure how I feel about gay marriage, but only because I view this as a religious practice and most religious views don’t support gay marriage. On the political end, I support people being able to chose who they marry. I don’t get offended by people challenging my views so if you would like to share, I’d love to hear what you have to say. Keep in mind you don’t have to get upset or disrespect in order to challenge an idea.

Positivity

In an attempt to change my perspective on things and start being so negative, I've been trying to remind myself to think more positive things when writing my blogs. I don't think I've been very successful. Even when I am able to come up with positive thought, they seem to lead to negative ones. This time I'm going to attempt to block out the negative and accentuate the positive. Let me know if it working.

I was put on a DO NOT HIRE list when I was released from teaching last year. I luckily found out about this list that is distributed amongst Chicago Public Schools citywide through hearsay, such has been my career since moving to Chicago. I've never received an unsatisfactory rating and couldn't figure out why my name was on this list. So, I decided to fight it. I called union reps out here and I've been working with them to have my name removed. However I'm questioning whether or not I should get a lawyer and sue. My name being put on this list to me is defamation of character. It says that I was unable to do my job. I relate it to being put on a list published for parents stating that you're a pedophile. Maybe an honest mistake, but a damaging one. Although I don't want to teach anymore, I feel that this has damaged my reputation as a teacher.

I mention this to lead into my excitement for the program I have been accepted into. When speaking with the union member, I was told that I should apply for jobs for which I'm certified anyway. I didn't want to tell him that I no longer wanted to teach because I wanted him to address getting my name off of the list as though I did. So of course I didn't tell him that I got accepted into a program for career changers. Since the program has started, I have been enjoying meeting new people that are pursing similar careers. It reminds me of the teaching program that I joined, but to me that experience was once in a lifetime. I really enjoy meeting and learning about new people.

Today, I got a call from a credit card company about an overdue payment. I had set up bill pay with my bank to pay off the balance of the card. When I initially signed up for the card the promotion was no interest for 12 months. So, I must have miscalculated the number of automatic payments that needed to be made. You can never been to careful when it comes to credit cards and debt. Anyway that you can be screwed, you will be screwed. Since my final payment was late, I was charged the interest for the entire year. Originally, I was very upset. I was ready to hang up on the woman I spoke with and I was very rude & obnoxious. After about 10 minutes, I realized that this woman wasn't at fault for my error. Although I feel like the penalty didn't fit the crime, she wasn't the judge and I was killing the messenger. Now I see why people hate those types of jobs. I calmed down and apologized. It didn't make me feel any better, but somehow I feel like it was the right thing to do. On a positive note, the speeding ticket that I need to pay off was less than that year of interest and hopefully I will have a job soon so I can pay off state income taxes. Go Bulls.

Express Yourself

More than likely if you're reading this blog, we know each other really well. Since I'm not a celebrity and this blog isn't the most politically correct, no one other than a close friend/family member would be interested in this blog. It's been about a month since my last entry and I'm thinking about my desire to express myself in different art forms. Currently the best form of expression I have outside of debate is poetry and writing. I would like to post some of my poetry on this blog, but I'd rather create a fly website that displays my work appropriately.

People like to express themselves in many different ways. Some people like to express their distinctiveness through piercings and tattoos, some through rallies and petitions, some through music or art. However, many people like to express themselves through style/clothing. So, when a close friend of mine told me about his idea to create expressive clothing it peaked my interest. The end result was far better than I had imagined. He has a website up with a nice selection worth looking through and a few must have shirts for me. The commercial is hot too. The name of the company is Raw Cotton, click on the link below to check it out.

Raw Cotton

School For Slaves

Today was a really frustrating day for me. One of my better students stayed after school to make up a test. She’ll be the first to tell you that she cares about her grade. She took my hour long test in 5-10 minutes, then announced that she didn’t know how to do any of the other problems. I gave her a study guide with the exact same information on it 2 days before giving her the test. I asked her about her interests. She said she liked basketball. I asked her if she was good and she said yes. I asked her if she was good from the day she walked on the court and she said no, her brother taught her how to play. I responded, “Okay, how long did that take, about 15 – 20 minutes?”

Student: “Naw, it took days.”
Me: “You mean to tell me you had to practice?”
Student: “Yea.”
Me: “So what makes you think it would be any different with math? You have to study if you really want to be good at it.”
Student: Silence.
Me: “Did you study for this test?”
Student: “No, I don’t ever study. I haven’t ever studied before.”
Me: “Okay, this is what I’m going to do. Have a seat and I’m going to study this information with you and let you retake this test.”
Student: “Well just give me a zero, I’m not gone study.”

…
…
I was so stunned. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I took her test and I’m going to grade it in a few minutes, but it broke my heart. She may as well had told me that she doesn’t give a fuck about school or the fact that I’m breaking my neck to teach her. I know that she’s not the only student that feels like that either. I think there is one in every classroom across America. The real problem is that there is far more than one in inner city school classrooms. In many cases, the majority of kids feel like that.

Why would I want to get paid for nothing? If students aren’t learning, I can’t be teaching, so in essence, I’m getting paid for nothing.

I can’t be a teacher because I care too much. People judge teachers, for not caring about the kids, but if you care too much it will drive you insane. You can’t do this job and not be depressed by the lack of effort or caring. Slavery exists. The plantation has a new name, it’s called the ghetto. If honesty is the best policy, why do we judge teachers for not caring and not parents? When a teacher writes an article about how fucked up the education system is, her job is put on the line. We don’t address problems in our society, we ignore them. Now let’s talk about why other countries have a better education system than ours.

Hopeless

I’m trying to think of a way to make this blog not sound like a suicide letter or a confession of depression and at the same time express my feelings of powerlessness and lack of purpose. I’m sure that after reading that first line many will think that I need God in my life. Although I believe in God, be it because of experiences or upbringing, I feel that the ‘need for God’ expression is a convenient and easy solution to every problem. I can’t help but think about the movie The Invention of Lying. God is a great way to give a sense of purpose and a reason to live, to put frustrated minds at ease, to make sense of senseless acts, to lift broken spirits, to heal the loneliness someone may feel, and to explain the inexplicable. After writing this, I’m going to pray in hopes that some of my feelings of hopelessness may become more hopeful.

About 7 years ago, I lost a $100,000 scholarship to pay for my college education. I read the documentation and thought about the acts leading up to this event daily trying to explain what had happened. My mind came to the conclusion that I had been kicked out of the program I was in because the man who ran the program didn’t like me. But, how could it be that simple? How could the course of my life be altered by the opinion of one person? I hoped for an appeal to the decision. I wrote senators, congressmen, aldermen, talked to lawyers, contacted the NAACP. I didn’t know where to go or what to do to get justice. I never felt so powerless in my life. I told myself that life isn’t fair and so I have to accept it and move on.

I couldn’t help, but think about the movie The Net. In that movie a woman had her identity completely altered and was seemingly powerless to change it. Of course, just like in other movies everything was righted in the end, but unfortunately my life has never turned out as good as movies do. Considering my life has not yet ended, maybe someday.

Other thoughts crossed my mind as well. I thought about my nephew being shot in the face and how although I had seen stories of violence on television, nothing could prepare me for the feeling when it hit home. Thoughts about inmates that are found innocent 20 years after being imprisoned came to mind. I thought about the fact that as an inmate convicted of a crime and thrown in jail, you can read and learn as much of the law as you want, but you are powerless to change your situation. If you are able to obtain enough information that you are able to contact someone with power, then you must cross your fingers and hope that THEY are willing to help you in your pursuit of justice. You are still powerless in the situation.

Recently I left the teaching profession and I found out that my name had been put on a DO NOT HIRE list. Like every experience that I have had in the Chicago Public School system, this information was stumbled upon. Coming from a less chaotic system in New York City, it was very hard for me to adjust to a system where all of your professional knowledge was based on hearsay. In New York City, if you asked me about my contractual duties, I could access them via the Internet and we could read them together. In Chicago, if you asked me the same question, I would assume that they were similar to New York City’s obligations and recite anything different as something that I heard from coworkers. Union meetings in NYC were informative and frequent. In Chicago I found out that I had a union delegate at the end of my first year of teaching. It was very shocking to me to find out that I had be put on this list without some prior warning or any sign that I had not performed my duties at my previous school. Luckily my teacher’s union in Chicago contacted me and let me know that I was on this list. Oops, I meant a coworker told me that the list existed and that I should check to see if I was on it. Yet again, I feel powerless to make any change is such a just nation. Who should I contact to help me bring about justice? A lawyer that I can’t afford or a union that collected mandatory fees from me and did nothing to support me. Maybe I should write aldermen, congressmen, and senators again to solidify that I have no voice.

I feel like I have been paying taxes, but my children don’t have the right to attend a public school that my taxes go to support. Taxation without representation, isn’t that what we fought England for? I said that I was going to try to be more positive, but obviously I failed miserably. Does it really matter that I fail though? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound? My failures and injustices can continue on forever and all I can do is pray that someone hears me. I’m sure I’m not the only person getting screwed in this wonderful country of ours, so maybe I should just accept that life isn’t fair and move on. Food for thought though, if you were imprisoned for a crime that you didn’t commit, what could you do in this land of the free to change your situation?

"Ain't nothin worse than this cursed ass hopeless life."
- 2pac, Troublesome '96

Trapped

Not In This District!

This link is a link to the story of a woman that used a false address to get her kids in a better school. I thought that the actual written article would give more detail, but it seems like the written story is just a transcript of the video.

I know that there are 3 sides to every story, so I've been trying to think about this one from a couple of perspectives. Of course, I love analogies so I thought about this one in terms of Internet usage. Everyone puts a password on their wireless service because they don't want someone getting the service they pay for, for free. I feel like that it a similar situation to how rich people don't want the poor to benefit from their higher quality of education. They deserve the best because they can afford the best. However, the confusing part to me is that if you use someone's address, that person is paying taxes. To me that would be like making it illegal to go to a family member or friend's house to use their Internet or making it illegal to go to a swimming pool in your friend or family member's apartment complex.

Another thing that I noticed about this article is that the woman chants, "I think they wanted to make an example out of me. I don't think it was about the money."

Maybe it's just me, but it is about the money! If nothing else, it's about the money. Yes, they are making an example out of you because they don't want their schools infested with children that desire a better education and can't afford it. However, if you had money you wouldn't be going to jail. And private investigators wouldn’t be following your children home. I’m awfully curious as to how private investigators determine which students to follow home. They must stand out in some way.

Perception number two is that this is wrong. Even in perspective number one, I couldn’t understand how this could be right. Does that mean that I really didn’t have another perspective? Probably. Kids that I tried to teach that really wanted to learn but couldn't because of the terrible learning environment came to mind as I watched this story. 2pac’s song Trapped came to mind. Democracy came to mind. The media came to mind. Powerless came to mind. The fact that if you Google search Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel’s name shows up 11 times and Richard Daley’s name shows up 7 times, but the election hasn’t taken place yet comes to mind. It’s a good thing that people believe in the American Dream because if they didn’t believe in it, it probably wouldn’t exist.

Fear

For 5 years, I taught in inner city schools trying to convince students that they could do what they felt was impossible. It was my job to convince students that felt like they were so far behind academically (and at times their feelings were accurate) to stay in the classroom and try their best. Some of the students couldn’t be convinced and refused to face possible failure. In my mind it didn’t make sense; they didn’t have any other option. Fly or die, sink or swim, there really is no other option. However, the idea of failure without trying wasn’t as hurtful as trying and then failing. I’ve heard similar examples; they all seem to be one of those easier said than done types of proposals.

In my quest to change careers I find myself sitting in my own class, trying to convince myself not to fear failure. I thought that it would be much easier than this to change careers. Every job gives you on the job training, doesn’t it? Doesn’t every class teach you before they test you? Now I find myself pursuing the one career that tests you before the job. I’m running through the Internet like a chicken with my head cut off trying to research the skills that I need to master for the test (the interview) & they change with every opening position.

I’m tempted to change my goal and look at a different profession and start at the bottom and work my way up. However, I’m afraid that I’ll be aiming for something easy that won’t challenge me and will eventually become boring for me, then I’ll be right back at one. I think to myself, is it reasonable to tell an 9th grader that struggles with multiplication that they can still become a math major in college? Is it reasonable as a 45 year old Alderman to still have dreams of becoming the President? How late is too late? I’ve heard that it’s never too late, but is that really true? I’m in a situation where I want to aim high, but I don’t want to set an unreasonable goal. In Men In Black, J reminds K of the old saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. J responds by saying try it. I would say the same applies to trying and failing. In theory it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.